Here’s Why Trying New Things With Your Partner Is Good for Your Relationship
This article was written for Arya by Karolina Wilde
Karolina Wilde is the author of House of Pain, the first book in a seductive dark fantasy romance trilogy, a journalist, and a sex-positive freelance writer who worked with some of the biggest brands in the world. She has a serious obsession with chocolate (dark or milk, never white, and always with salted caramel), and when she's not writing another book or another client article, she can be found playing World of Warcraft or trying to conquer her never-ending TBR pile.
Are you feeling adventurous and want to try new things in bed, but your partner doesn't seem to share your excitement? Even the most confident people can become a little tongue-tied when it comes to talking about sex. That's 100% normal.
So, if you desire to explore new things and want to find a way to get your partner on board, here are a few tips to help you get the conversation going:
How To Get Your Partner Excited To Try New Things in Bed
Tip #1: Know What You Want First
Before you tell your partner what new things you want to explore with them, do your homework and figure out what things you want to try. No need to make a full list here. Even starting with a few sexual fantasies you're curious to explore or a few kinks, like spanking or hair pulling, is a good place to start.
So, spend some time thinking of sexy things you've never tried but would love to. Read or listen to some erotica, watch movies, or read books and blogs to help you find inspiration. For example: maybe you are turned on by bondage and would like your partner to restrain you. Or, maybe you are turned on by being called a "dirty whore” or a "good girl" during sex and would love your partner to incorporate some dirty talk.
If all of that homework sounds overwhelming, you can also opt for a simpler solution. If you don’t have the first clue about what to try or how to try it, take the easy route and join a subscription service like Arya that can curate new intimate experiences for you and your partner. Arya takes the guesswork out of intimate exploration and provides everything you’ll need to safely explore new sexual worlds together.
Regardless of whether you want to try a new technique or a subscription service, having a solid idea in mind of what you want will allow you to be more confident when it's time to have a conversation with your partner.
Tip #2: Find the Right Time for the Conversation
The next tip to get your partner on board to try new things in bed is to have a conversation about it with them. And for that, you'll need to find the perfect time, when your partner is most receptive.
If they're stressed after a long day at work, or your baby just puked all over their shirt, the idea of getting kinky in the bedroom might not be as welcome as it would under different circumstances...
It's best that the first conversation about new things to try in the bedroom should take place outside the bedroom. Discussing trying new things in bed when you're in the throws of passion can complicate things.
So, consider planning a special night with your partner where you both can relax, unwind and be vulnerable with each other – the perfect mix to talk about things you want to do to deepen intimacy in your relationship.
After a Fun Date-Night, Dinner, or Intimate Time, Try Dropping One of These:
"I saw an ad for a new app that can help spice up our sex life, and the reviews are really good. It got me pretty excited thinking about doing this together. Want to give it a try with me?"
"I have a sexy idea I want to try with you! I found this fun couples toy that we can both use during sex to make everything feel even better. Are you game?"
"Imagine getting drinks at the bar, and then I go to the bathroom to take off my underwear and spend the rest of the evening like that… With my panties in your pocket. It's like having a secret in a room full of people, a little bit of foreplay/teasing, and then we go home and see what happens."
While Making Dinner or Watching Your Fave TV Show Together:
"I want to try something new this weekend! I found this fun couples card game where we either answer questions or do sexy dares. Will you try it with me?"
"You know what would be hot? Trying something new in the bedroom! Can I show you this couple's wellness app I found? They take care of everything so we can focus on each other."
Tip #3: Start With the Positives
During your conversation about trying new things in bed, always start with the positives about your sex life, your partner, and your relationship. When you bring up wanting to change something in your sex routine, your partner might get defensive or think that something is wrong in your sex life/relationship.
Assure your partner that there is nothing wrong with your current sex life or relationship and that wanting to try new things in bed is a healthy and fun way to only further deepen the connection you already have.
So, start the conversation by focusing on all the things that you love about your relationship, sex life, and your partner. Here are a few pointers to help kickstart the conversation:
"I love it when you tell me how beautiful I look all of the time. You know what would be hot? If you told me how pretty I look during sex."
"It's always fun when we try new restaurants during our date nights. Why don't we make the date nights even more fun by trying a new sex toy together?"
"Our sex life is great. But you know what I always wanted to try in the bedroom but have always been shy about? Restraints. Are you game?"
Tip #4: Create a Sex Menu Together
Sexologist and founder of intimacy brand Bloomi, Rebecca Alvarez-Story, recommend partners who want to try new things in bed to create a sex menu. A sex menu essentially is a list of sexual things you both enjoy individually. You both can refer to that menu during sex to find better ways to pleasure each other.
You can turn this process into a fun activity that you do together, where you both write down things that turn you on, that you enjoy, and things that you'd like to try. Make it a non-judgemental space where you're sharing something new and exciting about each other.
Remember — you and your partner are in this together, and being open-minded about your desires and pleasure is the key to a fulfilling sexual adventure.
Also, creating a sex menu can help emphasize the positives in your relationship which will help your hesitant partner to warm up to the idea of trying something new in bed. When creating your sex menu, note down things like:
"I love the way you show attention to my whole body, not only my intimate areas when we make love."
"Nipple stimulation with fingers and mouth – top notch!"
"I enjoy pleasuring you with my mouth, but only if you're vocal about how good it feels."
Next, you might want to write down things you know you love and that turns you on, but you haven't yet tried with your partner. It can be things like:
"I love to have my hands pinned above my head in the Missionary."
"When you go down on me, it turns me on when you tell me to keep your gaze."
"It turns me on when you leave hickeys on my skin, in places like my breasts, my thighs, and ass."
If you find it hard to say what new things you want to try to spice things up, writing them down in your sex menu can ease the anxiety and tension about sharing it with your partner.
Tip #5: Be Patient
When you discuss wanting to try new things in bed with your partner, know that it's not a one-day process. Be prepared to be patient with your partner. Everyone needs a different amount of time to process things, so give your partner enough time to think about your conversation.
Enthusiastic consent is key to trying new things in the bedroom. So, give your partner enough space and make sure they don't feel pressured to try something they're not ready for or are not comfortable trying just yet.
Trying something new doesn’t have to be rocket science.
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About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
