Playtime Success: How To Talk It Out With Your Partner Before Your Next Arya Scene
This article was written for Arya by Athena Gayle
Athena Gayle is a sex copywriter and email newsletter magician. She works with up-and-coming SexTech startups and sexual pleasure brands helping them craft compelling copy. Athena is passionate about the kink community and promoting great sex lives. She’s living her best life in the Midwest, USA with her partner, daughter, and 5 doggies.
Sexual communication is scary, we get it. But did you know that research shows it’s one of the most important elements of a satisfying relationship? Despite its importance, it’s also one of the things couples struggle with the most. So, if you find talking about sex with your partner excruciatingly painful, don’t worry—you’re not alone!
At Arya, we’re all about helping you bridge the gap and find a way to have open communication about your desires with your partner. So, talk about how open communication can transform your relationship and we’ll give you some tips and tricks (and even conversation starters) so you can start developing this skill immediately.
Arya’s Guide To Open Sexual Communication
What Is Open Communication?
Open communication in your relationship is simply a free and healthy exchange of thoughts, ideas, and feelings between you and your partner. Instead of feeling like you need to tip-toe around each other’s emotions – open communication means you have the freedom to speak your mind and feel comfortable that your partner will listen without judging you.
Being open with your partner sets up a safe space to explore your desires and interests. It’s ALL about creating a stronger, more positive relationship. And it can be a lot of fun! If you can find empathy and understanding in how you both communicate, you can create a super deep connection that’ll bring your closer together!
Why Is Open Communication Important?
Sometimes you’re hearing your partner without actually listening to them. Or maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t take your concerns seriously. This is where open communication can bridge the gap between you and your partner.
Try these conversation starters:
“Every time we talk about bedroom stuff, you get your guard up and think I’m attacking you… but really I just want to share my thoughts with you.”
“I always talk about what I want in the bedroom, but you never share what you want. Would you be open to?”
“I’ve noticed you love trying a bunch of new things all the time, but sometimes I just want something simple. Can we try something more intimate next time?”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m not connecting with you in the bedroom, can we talk about what your expectations are?”
“I’d love to try something new in the bedroom, do you think you’d be open to it?”
Bedroom Boundaries
Talking about boundaries in the bedroom can seem like a daunting topic – but it doesn’t have to be! In fact, it's very important to clearly communicate your boundaries and comfort levels in the bedroom. Once these boundaries are established, it will open your relationship up to new depths of pleasure, understanding, and security. Establishing boundaries doesn’t have to feel like a chore. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to increase the trust, safety, and intimacy between you and your partner.
Start the conversation in a comfortable, safe, and non-judgmental space. It's important that you BOTH feel like you freely communicate about this topic.
Let your partner know that you want to talk about your feelings in a respectful, clear manner. Maybe even make a joke such as “Let’s talk about how to keep the sparks alive while honoring our boundaries”.
Ask open-ended questions to get an understanding of what each of you is comfy with. Gently encourage your partner to open up.
“What are your boundaries and where are you comfortable exploring?”
“Are there any topics that make you uncomfortable when it comes to the bedroom?”
“What parts of your body do you like and/or dislike to be touched?”
Respect your partner’s boundaries. If there are activities or topics that your partner isn’t comfortable with, don’t pressure them. Be respectful and understanding.
Have an ongoing conversation to make sure that your boundaries and comfort levels are constantly being respected and understood. Talk about boundaries frankly rather than from a place of judgment or criticism.
Feel free to maintain or even change your boundaries.
Suggest activities that are both pleasurable and respectful to both of you.
End the conversation with a hug and a reminder to be open, honest, and kind to each other.
Here Are Some Conversation Starters for Open Sexual Communication:
“What do you enjoy doing the most in the bedroom?”
“Are there any topics that make you uncomfortable when it comes to sex?”
“How can we make sure that our boundaries are being respected and understood by each other?”
“Are there any activities or topics that we should avoid?”
“What would make you feel safe and comfortable when exploring fantasies together?”
Arya Tip: Use this conversation to figure out your safeword plan.
Desires
Talking about your desires with your partner can be BOTH sexually exciting and nerve-wracking. Keep an open mind and approach the conversation about desires in a playful manner. Talking with your partner about this will enhance your fulfillment and comfort levels during your explorations. So don’t be shy! Talk about your desires, and fantasies, and make sure you stay within each other’s boundaries.
Start the conversation in a comfortable and open space. Make sure that both you and your partner feel safe to express your desires and openly communicate with each other.
Let your partner know that you want to talk openly about your desires and interests in the bedroom. You can do this in a playful way to lighten the mood, like saying “Let’s talk about how to make our bedroom life even more erotic.”
Share your desires with each other in a respectful way. Avoid judgment or criticism and make sure both of you are listening and actively engaging with each other. This will allow for a better understanding of each other.
Share what activities, fantasies, positions, etc. you find pleasurable.
Ask your partner questions about their desires. This will help you better understand their boundaries, comfort levels, and preferences.
Respect each other’s boundaries. Remember to never pressure or push each other beyond what either of you is comfortable with.
Suggest activities that you can do that will fulfill both of you.
End the conversation with a hug and reminder to continue discussing these topics together.
Here Are Some Conversation Starters for Open Sexual Communication:
“What activities, fantasies, or positions do you really like in the bedroom?”
“Are there any activities or new things you’re curious about trying out?”
“What kinds of things do you always want to do in the bedroom?”
“What’s something you’ve always wanted to try… but were too nervous to share?”
“How can I make you more comfortable sharing your desires?”
Arya Tip: Remember, sometimes your partner (or yourself) might feel guilt or shame when talking about their sexual desires. That’s okay! You don’t have to try everything out there – just because they (you) fantasize about it doesn’t mean they want to do it.
Communication Styles
Talking about communication styles can be a confusing conversation to have with your partner – but you can skip the confusion! Understanding and discussing each other’s communication styles can help build a stronger relationship and create an even deeper bond.
We all have different ways of expressing ourselves, different topics we feel comfortable discussing, and different past experiences that may affect our communication. When you understand your partner’s communication style, it’ll give you an even greater appreciation of how to communicate with them and how to better support each other.
Before talking about this with your partner, it’s essential to understand your own communication style. Are you more of an assertive communicator? Or do you have a passive approach? Knowing this will help you share your needs.
Don’t attempt to discuss your communication styles during an argument or when either of you is at your limit. Choose a time when you’re both calm and receptive.
Begin with a light, positive conversation starter to set a friendly, open tone. You could try “You know what I love about us? We always try to understand each other better. I was thinking about communication styles today. Can we chat about them?”
Listen closely to your partner’s perspective. Show empathy and validate their feelings. For example, “I can tell you feel unheard when I interrupt you. I apologize for that, I didn’t realize it was affecting you this way”.
Speak about your experiences and feelings about your own communication. Make use of “I” statements, which can reduce the likelihood of your partner feeling defensive. Try saying “I’ve noticed that I tend to close you out when disagreements start and I think it's because…”.
Talk about your communication styles. This should be a light and playful activity rather than something bothersome. Say something like “I think I can be quite passive in our conversations. What about you? Do you see any specific style in how you communicate with me?”
Now that you’ve shared your feelings and understand each other’s style, collaborate on ways to improve communication within your relationship. Use something like, “How about we try to be more assertive in our communication? What do you think?”
End the conversation on a positive note. Encouragement strengthens your trust and bond in your relationship.
Arya Tip: Talking about communication styles is not a one-off conversation. It will take constant practice, open-mindedness, patience, and reassurance to understand and accept each other’s communication styles for a healthier and stronger relationship.
Here Are 5 Different Communication Styles:
Passive Style
You find yourself often going with the flow or letting your partner make decisions for you. When opinions differ, you prefer to remain silent. To improve, just remember – your opinion matters too! Practicing expressing yourself more. Start with small decisions, like choosing the movie for movie night! Your partner might appreciate taking a break from ALL the decision-making.
Aggressive Style
Much like a wild river, you’ll get your point across, but it can be overwhelming for the receiver. You voice your thoughts and feelings strongly, but it could be drowning out your partner. To improve, work on talking less and listening to them before adding in your own opinion. It might be hard, but focus on everything they are saying, rather than thinking about what you want to say.
Passive-Aggressive Style
Your style can be tough for others to unravel because your words say one thing but your actions say another. To improve, work on saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Stop being so ambiguous and let your true feelings come out. You’ll be a lot happier when you feel heard rather than waiting for someone to guess what’s going on in your head.
Assertive Style
You communicate your thoughts and feelings effectively while respecting your partner’s views. But sometimes, you might miss out on acknowledging the emotions behind their words. To improve this, add a pinch of empathy into your conversations. An “I hear you” or “I understand how you feel” can sweeten your chats. Don’t forget, you don’t need to problem solve – sometimes just being there and understanding their feelings is enough.
Over-Communicative Style
Ah… the joy of expressing yourself! Words tumble from your mouth as quickly as they enter your mind. While there’s beauty in sharing your thoughts, an overwhelming flow can sweep away what your partner has to say. To improve, nurture the art of silence. Let your partner have their moment to shine! Remember – listening is as important as speaking. And don’t just spend your “quiet time” thinking about everything you want to say, then you’ll miss out on what your partner is sharing.
Mutually Satisfying Expectations
Before you chat with your partner about expectations in the bedroom, think about what YOUR expectations are. Be honest with yourself about what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you might want to try. This will help you share your feelings more effectively.
Pick a place where you both feel comfortable talking – this way you can both focus on the conversation without feeling too much pressure.
Start your chat with each of you talking about your different goals – think about what each of you wants and needs from your relationship. This can include physical goals, creative goals, ideas for adventurous activities, or whatever else might be important to BOTH of you.
It’s normal to have some worries or hesitations about talking about your expectations. Make sure you’re respectful of your needs and wants (and vice versa). Take this time to express your fears and concerns AND listen to your partner’s personal worries too.
Brainstorm together! Come up with fun solutions that work for BOTH of you. Make sure to think of things you both like and make room for compromise if needed.
Even after talking and brainstorming, it’s okay if one or both of you needs to adjust your expectations. Ultimately, it's all about being open and willing to make changes for each other in order to have an AWESOME experience in the bedroom.
Try These Conversation Starters for Open Sexual Communication:
“What do you think would make our bedroom activities even more special?”
“I’ve thought about trying new positions in the bedroom, would you want to?”
“What do you think I expect in the bedroom?”
“Sometimes I don’t know how to share what I want in the bedroom… Can we talk about it now?”
“Do we need to adjust our expectations for the bedroom so we can have a better experience?”
The Bottom Line
Your Arya Concierge wants you to experience new thrills and a deeper connection with your partner. Having conversations before your playtime will enhance your sexual exploration. And lead you toward a super-fulfilling relationship.
Life is so grown up. It’s time to play.
Sign up for Arya and start your exciting journey today.
About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
