Arya’s Guide to Deeper Intimacy and Mindblowing Holiday Sex This Season
This article was written for Arya by Karolina Wilde
Karolina Wilde is the author of House of Pain, the first book in a seductive dark fantasy romance trilogy, a journalist, and a sex-positive freelance writer who worked with some of the biggest brands in the world. She has a serious obsession with chocolate (dark or milk, never white, and always with salted caramel), and when she's not writing another book or another client article, she can be found playing World of Warcraft or trying to conquer her never-ending TBR pile.
Do you and your partner hope to have plenty of holiday sex during Christmas break? Or have you noticed a dip in your sex drive and lack of closeness to your partner despite it being the cold and cuddly season?
Holidays are a stressful time for everyone, so if you and your partner find yourself spending less time with each other than you’d like, know that it’s very normal. And the good news is that there are ways to re-establish intimacy and enter the new year feeling even closer to your partner.
How To Deepen Intimacy and Have Amazing Holiday Sex This Winter
Intimacy Around Holidays: What Are the Trends?
Despite fall and winter being a cuffing season, it’s also the season where many couples choose to go their separate ways. Facebook status updates data show that breakups are on the rise from mid-Otober up until two weeks before Christmas in December. Dating website Match.com also reports that their peak profile surfing season is during Christmas.
Certified sex therapist and relationship coach Kaylee Rose also noticed the trend. “In my work, I’ve noticed that people tend to connect less around the holidays,” she says.
Christmas is supposed to be the season where we spend time with people we love and enjoy their company. So, why is it that couples are breaking up?
“In America, our approach to the holiday season is generally to squeeze in as much work as possible before taking vacations, which we generally spend doing things that feel like an obligation with our families, over-spending, eating poorly, and generally mistreating ourselves in the name of ‘tradition’,” Rose explains. And it’s true – the weeks from Thanksgiving up until the New Year are one of the busiest times of the year for e-commerce businesses, and people are stressed about various things – paying for gifts, attending parties and family gatherings, paying for food and entertainment, among other things.
“None of this leads to a grounded nervous system, which is vital for deep connection and positive sexual experiences,” says Rose.
How To Re-Establish Intimacy and Connection
Despite the stress and chaos that comes with the holiday season, there are ways that you and your partner can find a way to spend time together, nurturing your relationship and bond.
Here are four expert tips for those who are looking to create a more balanced and mindful connection with their partners during this season:
1. Communication Is Key
Things that are left unsaid, especially during high-stress times, can find a way to the surface at the most unexpected moments. And it doesn’t always happen in the most pleasant way for you or your loved ones.
To avoid conflict and help you manage stress, make sure you communicate with your partner. “I recommend couples communicate openly about their feelings and anxieties for the holidays and discuss how their partner can best support them and ease some stress,” says sex educator and Arya Expert, Niki Davis-Fainbloom.
When your partner knows what might trigger or bother you, they will be able to help you out much more efficiently. Also, collaboration will help you feel closer to each other. Remember: it’s you as a team against the problem, and not you against each other.
Now, the communication doesn’t end solely with your partner – talk to your kids (if you have them) and the rest of your family. Head of Relationships Research at Arya, Nicholas Velotta suggests being very clear about your needs and expectations: “What do you need from them for this holiday season to be a safe and healthy space for you?”
“Make boundaries and say what you can't fulfill for others during a generally high-stress season,” Velotta further explains. When everyone in your family and relationship are on the same page and know what to expect from each other during this season, you can have a much better time.
2. Schedule Time for Intimacy
If you frown at the idea of scheduling sex and believe that sex is supposed to be spontaneous – hear us out! Scheduling holiday sex might be the best decision of your life. “There will always be something or someone asking for your time and attention, and the only way to ensure that you have space for your sex life is to intentionally make that space,” says Rose.
So yes, we recommend that you open your calendar (paper or digital) and pencil in a time that works for you and your partner, when your kids are not home, and your in-laws are occupied to have sex.
It might not sound sexy right now, but it will be once you’re having sex because you were smart enough to set aside the time for it! “Planning sexual experiences can even make them better or more satisfying when you lean into the anticipation, curate the experience, and take the time to flirt beforehand,” explains Rose.
Research shows that scheduling sex doesn’t decrease enjoyment, so even if you’re skeptical, give it a try. “You may also realize that family dynamics are easier to deal with post-orgasm,” says Davis-Fainbloom.
When we surveyed over 6,000 people for our State of Intimacy Report, we found that couples who schedule time for intimate activities tend to have higher levels of sexual satisfaction – being intentional with your intimacy, and dedicating time to try new things together is the key to a thriving relationship and sex life.
3. Remove the Expectations
It’s important to acknowledge that you and your partner might have different sexual desire levels and needs. “Some of us feel more sexual when we’re stressed, and experience sexuality as a stress reliever, while others look at that experience of stress as something that puts on the sexual ‘breaks’,” explains Rose.
Understanding your sexual desire, and what turns you on versus what turns you off is crucial if you want to connect with your partner during stressful times. For some people, taking off pressure from having sex or having an orgasm, and instead focusing on other aspects of intimacy might be more beneficial.
“Making space for intimate, sensual experiences without the expectation of specific sexual acts like penetrative sex or reaching orgasm can foster intimate connection even when you’re not feeling particularly sexual,” says Rose.
4. Be Intentional
You might want to be able to please everyone and do a hundred things before Christmas, but consider taking a step back and being more intentional with your efforts. “If you have kids, make sure that you check in with them and maybe get what their number one favorite thing to do during the holidays is then make sure that you fulfill that,” says Velotta.
The same goes with your partner and other important people. Choosing only one thing, and focusing on fulfilling it for your loved ones will help alleviate some of the stress that comes with holidays. Instead of juggling too many things, and trying to do it all, you can dedicate more energy to one thing that will still be joyful for people you love.
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