How To Improve Body Image and Have Better Sex With Melissa D
Melissa D is a certified somatic bodyworker and educator for both the Apollo Project and Back to The Body as well as her own company Bodyjoy Intimacy School.
She is passionate about inspiring people to learn new ways to talk, touch and play that feels both safe and exciting.
A healthy connection with our bodies is just as important as a healthy connection with our partners. So, we talked with Melissa D about body image, how it affects our sex lives, and how we each can cultivate a better relationship with our bodies and even help our partners cultivate theirs.
Body Image & Sex
Arya: How does negative body image affect our sex lives – for women and men, and other individuals?
Melissa D: I see this across the board – doesn’t matter what gender you are or how you identify, feeling down about your body can seriously impact your sexual experience and overall satisfaction.
Instead of feeling like a sexy, fully expressed beast, you might be too preoccupied with worries about how you look naked or whether your partner finds you attractive. Talk about a mood killer!
And let's not forget about the comparison game. Thanks to societal pressures and unrealistic beauty standards, many folks feel the need to measure up to some unattainable ideal.
But here's the thing: sex is not a competition. It's not about having the perfect body or looking like a hot influencer. It's about connection, pleasure, and enjoying the incredible sensations that our bodies are capable of.
Negative body image can also lead to a lack of presence and difficulty fully enjoying the moment. Instead of getting lost in pleasure, you might find yourself trapped in a mental loop of self-criticism.
Trust me, it's hard to savor the experience when your mind is too busy picking apart your perceived flaws. Learning how to give those negative thoughts a rest and focus on the delightful sensations happening in the experience gets easier over time.
Lastly, negative body image can create barriers to intimacy and vulnerability. When we don't feel good about our bodies, it can be challenging to let someone else in and be fully open and authentic with our desires. It's like building an emotional wall made of self-doubt and insecurities.
But guess what? Intimacy is all about accepting and embracing each other as we are, imperfections and all. That is what makes each one of us so unique. Imagine, how good would it feel to let love and pleasure flow freely!
“Ann Voskamp says ‘Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces’ and I think that is a beautiful way to think about body image and the shame stories we carry often keep locked only in our minds. Sharing about our discomforts and struggles can help release them and make room for support and change. ”
Arya: Can improving our negative body image improve our sex lives? If yes, could you give some details on how?
Melissa D: Absolutely! Improving our negative body image can juice up our sex lives, creating more fulfillment, connection, and satisfaction.
When we feel good about our bodies, we tend to exude more confidence and that confidence is like an aphrodisiac.
It helps us relax, be present in the moment, and fully enjoy the pleasures of sex and intimacy. Plus, positive body image promotes self-acceptance, which leads to greater intimacy and vulnerability with our partners.
Arya: What are the reasons for negative body image in women and men – is it purely environment, and society or is there more?
Melissa D: There is a combination of factors, including societal influences, personal experiences, and individual differences that play a part.
There are societal standards of beauty, often portrayed through advertising, Instagram, and other social platforms, that significantly influence body image.
Unrealistic and narrow beauty ideals can create feelings of inadequacy, comparison, and the belief that one's body does not measure up to the perceived "ideal."
The popularization of face filters for example can wreak havoc on what our perceptions and how we see ourselves and others.
Cultural and historical norms regarding body size, shape, and attractiveness can also play a role in shaping body image. These norms may vary across different cultures and time periods, contributing to different body ideals and pressures.
Personal experiences, such as teasing, bullying, body shaming, or critical comments from family, peers, or romantic partners, can deeply impact body image. Traumatic events, body-related stigmas, or negative feedback can contribute to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and dissatisfaction with one's body.
Comparing oneself to others, whether in person or through social media, can fuel negative body image. Constant exposure to carefully curated and edited images can create a distorted perception of one's own body and contribute to feelings of dissatisfaction.
With social media today, it is constantly in our faces unless we are more mindful of what comes across our own social feeds.
Body image can be influenced by concerns related to health, disabilities, physical limitations, or changes due to aging or illness. These factors may impact how individuals perceive and relate to their bodies and I wish it were more talked about, but it isn’t.
As we start to unpack some of the causes, we can hopefully acknowledge that it is complex and multifaceted. While societal influences play a significant role, individual experiences and factors also contribute to how individuals perceive their bodies.
How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Body
Arya: Is improving negative body image a solo work, or can couples help each other?
Melissa D: The way I see it, improving negative body image can be both a personal journey and a collaborative effort within an intimate partnership.
It is possible for couples to support each other in improving body image, as long as a plan is explicitly discussed that they can feel good about and it doesn’t become the responsibility of one of them to hold it alone. Here are some ways to go about it:
Open Communication: Couples can create a safe and open space for discussing body image concerns, and reveal specific insecurities, and fears. By sharing their thoughts and emotions, partners can gain a better understanding of each other's experiences and provide support and reassurance.
Affirmation and Validation: Partners can offer genuine compliments and positive affirmations about each other's bodies. Expressing appreciation for physical attributes, as well as non-physical qualities, can help build self-esteem and reinforce a positive body image.
Challenging Beauty Standards: Couples can challenge unrealistic beauty standards together by discussing media influences and the importance of embracing diverse body types. This can involve actively seeking out body-positive content and engaging in conversations that promote acceptance and inclusivity.
Engaging in Healthy Behaviors: Encouraging and participating in healthy lifestyle habits, such as regular exercise or movement, nutritious eating, and self-care activities that support their lifestyle can promote overall well-being and a positive body image. Couples can engage in these activities together, providing motivation and accountability.
Intimacy and Sensuality: Couples can explore and celebrate their bodies through intimate and sensual experiences. Focusing on pleasure, connection, and mutual satisfaction rather than solely on physical appearance can help shift the focus away from negative body image and foster a deeper sense of intimacy.
Emotional Support: Supporting each other's emotional well-being can indirectly contribute to improving body image. Couples can be there for each other during challenging moments, offering empathy, understanding, and encouragement.
While couples can play a supportive role in improving body image, it's essential to remember that individual work is also crucial.
Each partner should engage in self-reflection, self-compassion, and personal growth to address their own body image concerns.
Seeking an outside professional for help, such as therapy or counseling, can also be beneficial in navigating these issues within a relationship in a healthy, non-codependent way.
Arya: What things/strategies can people implement solo to help improve their negative body image?
Melissa D: I believe that helping my clients question their own negative thoughts and narratives about their bodies is a powerful place to begin.
It can be tender, but allowing the specific negative thoughts or self-critical beliefs about one’s body to be heard and witnessed allows it to have an opportunity to shift and move.
When my clients learn how to catch themselves engaging in negative self-talk, consciously challenging those thoughts and replacing them with more realistic and positive affirmations is a form of re-patterning.
One powerful tool that I have found for this pattern interrupt is EFT (emotional freedom technique) combined with affirming touch and exploration that helps my clients begin to feel more self-expressed and free from those old patterns of thought.
Other important strategies such as surrounding oneself with body-positive messages. Purposefully curating one’s social media feed and other sources of information to include body-positive content.
Only follow accounts and read articles that promote body diversity, self-acceptance, and body positivity that feel like a lift instead of comparison. Expose oneself to diverse representations of beauty and bodies to challenge narrow beauty standards.
Practice self-care. Engage in activities that promote self-care and well-being. This can include regular exercise that focuses on how your body feels rather than how it looks, nourishing your body with healthy and balanced meals, getting enough restful sleep, and engaging in relaxation techniques such as mindfulness or meditation.
Appreciate your body's functionality. Shift the focus from appearance to the functionality and capabilities of your body. Engage in activities that make you feel strong, empowered, and connected to your body's abilities.
This can be anything from a particular type of dance you actually enjoy, yoga, burlesque/performance pieces, sports, or any form of movement that brings you joy and appreciation for what your body can do.
I encourage my clients to seek support from a licensed therapist, counselor, or support group specializing specifically in body image concerns.
They can provide relatable guidance, tools, and a safe space to explore and address underlying issues contributing to negative body image that feel less isolating.
“Improving body image is a journey that requires self-compassion, self-care, and support. ”
Arya: What strategies/tools can people use to help their partner improve their negative body image?
Melissa D: Great question! Supporting a partner in improving their negative body image requires sensitivity, empathy, and understanding.
Here are some ways to be supportive of a partner who may be struggling with their own body image:
Active Listening: Create a safe and non-judgmental space for your partner to express their feelings and concerns about their body image. Practice active listening by giving your full attention, validating your experiences, and offering empathy. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. A counselor or therapist can help with this if this practice is new to you.
Compliments and Affirmations: Offer genuine compliments and affirmations about your partner's physical appearance and non-physical qualities. Focus on their strengths, unique qualities, and what you find attractive about them. Regularly remind them of their worth beyond their appearance.
Avoid Comparison Traps: Be mindful of avoiding comparisons, whether it's making comparisons to others or pointing out perceived flaws. Encourage your partner to focus on their own journey and progress rather than comparing themselves to others.
Encourage Self-Care: Support your partner in engaging in self-care activities that promote their own well-being and a positive body image. What is it they love to do, and encourage them to follow through! This can include hobbies they enjoy, events they are nourished by, engaging in physical activities they find pleasurable, or practicing relaxation techniques to reduce stress and enhance self-acceptance.
Community: Having a community outside of the relationship is vital! Engage with those who share a common view about body image. This may mean no longer being around other superficial people and instead making new friends who empower and inspire!
Arya: How can people maintain positive body image as they go through changes that happen naturally: birth, aging, etc?
Melissa D: In my experience, this requires self-compassion, acceptance, and a shift in perspective and the bigger picture.
One thing that society rarely talks about is the fact that bodies naturally change over time and that these changes, like getting older; are simply a normal part of life.
There seems to be an immense amount of pressure for all bodies to look hot and attractive until they die which is totally absurd.
Practice self-acceptance by cultivating a positive and compassionate attitude toward your body as it goes through different stages and experiences.
The best support that I have found is to disconnect from the high-pressure programming and instead focus on real connection, fulfilling relationships, and having acceptance around the various stages of our bodies.
Instead of solely focusing on aesthetics, shift attention to the functionality and strength of your body. You can appreciate what your body can do rather than how it looks.
Engage in activities that promote physical health, mobility, and well-being, emphasizing the joy of movement and the benefits it brings to your overall wellness.
Engage in activities that make you feel the absolute best! Make a list and really track what specific things contribute to that feeling. Is it things like X amount of rest every night, doing art, playing music, dancing, being a part of a naughty book club, hiking club, or wine tasting?
Are there specific foods that help you feel energized, and good, or the fun banter of sassy company that inspires and nourishes you? You may be surprised at what specific things contribute to your sense of well-being.
Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate whatever changes and stages you are in. Offer yourself the same understanding, care, and compassion you would extend to a loved one.
Practice positive self-talk and challenge negative or critical thoughts about your body. Remind yourself that your worth and value extend far beyond your physical appearance.
Cultivate a positive body narrative. Challenge societal narratives that associate beauty with youth or specific physical attributes. Create your own positive body narrative by focusing on the unique qualities, experiences, and wisdom that come with age and life changes.
Find ways to celebrate the beauty of your individuality and the stories your body carries!
Remember that maintaining a positive body image is an ongoing process that requires patience, self-reflection, and self-acceptance. Embrace the changes as a natural part of your journey and focus on nurturing your overall well-being and happiness.
It is always a good idea to not keep these challenges inside. Instead, speak them in safe places and express them so that you can be free!
Ann Voskamp says “Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces” and I think that is a beautiful way to think about body image and the shame stories we carry often keep locked only in our minds. Sharing about our discomforts and struggles can help release them and make room for support and change.
Improving body image is a journey that requires self-compassion, self-care, and support.
Engaging in activities that promote self-acceptance, such as practicing positive affirmations, seeking professional counseling, engaging in personalized self-care practices, and surrounding oneself with body-positive influences, can all contribute to the process of improving body image and enhancing one's sex life.
About the Expert
Melissa D loves working with individuals in the field of growth, and sexuality and tuning into the truth found in their bodies.
She is a Certified somatic bodyworker and educator for both the Apollo Project and Back to The Body as well as her own company Bodyjoy Intimacy School.
Her delightfully explicit approach and social events offer up a unique journey into erotic growth and exploration.
Her day-to-day practice is about inspiring people to learn new ways to talk, touch and play that feels both safe and exciting.
With a trauma-sensitive foundation and a playful edge, she skillfully leads customized immersive experiences that nourish and enliven.
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