How to Take Control As A Woman Or AFAB Person
This article was written for Arya by Gigi Engle
Gigi Engle is a journalist and certified sex educator specializing in Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
If you’ve wanted to step into your power and be the dominant partner during sex, you’re not alone. Those who were socialized as female (or women) are typically not encouraged to step into and own their power. Where would the long-outdated patriarchy be if we were told we had just as much of a right to sexual empowerment as men do?
Many of us crave the chance to take control. And the bedroom is a great place to start.
Here’s how to do it.
Explore Female-Led Erotic Material
Get some ideas by watching, listening to, or reading erotic materials that will actually inspire you. Obviously, porn is not a representation of real-life sex, but it can certainly act as a turn-on and show you what you’re capable of (and give you ideas on what you might be interested in exploring).
If porn feels out of your comfort zone, focus on resources that work for you. Start with our Arya Fantasy Stories to get a sense of what you like. Read the written stories or listen to the audio versions to see which style you prefer – this can differ from person to person and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to enjoy them! Think of book, movie, or TV characters that gave off a powerful energy that you could tap into. What about them would you want to emulate in your erotic adventures? You could even invoke your favorite fierce singer or rapper! Again, whatever you feel most closely connected with is the best option for you.
Building this kind of mental bank filled with strong imagery and powerful personas can help you to feel confident talking about your fantasies with a partner – which is the first step to IRL domming. You have permission. Now run with it.
Set Boundaries
In order to have a good experience taking a sexual lead, you need to be aware of what you do and do not want out of the experience. Think hard about what would turn you on about being in control.
It is being bossy? Using toys on your partner? Maybe some light bondage? These questions deserve consideration. Knowing which role both you and your partner want to have in each Scene makes it hotter and easier for both of you to enjoy.
Set a safe word. This is a word that indicates that your limit (or your partner’s limit) has been crossed. It means play should stop and you regroup. Choose something non-sexual like Barbados, strawberry, etc.
Embrace Your Power
It’s time to tap into that confidence, babe. Being in control is incredibly hot. When you start, try directing your partner. It’s time to use that voice. Curious about some examples you can try out for yourself? Try phrases like: Touch me here. Move your hands this way. Lie down, so I can ride you. Use commands, not questions.
Remember this is playtime and it should be fun. There really is no “right way” to be the leader during sex. Expect to learn as you go and be flexible with the Scene as it unfolds. There will be hiccups along the way, but that’s all part of the fun. If something isn’t working for you, it’s OK to take a break or change course.
Get Some Gear
Tools and toys during sex are such a fun way to play with power exchange… As part of your journey with Arya, you will receive playful props and wonderful toys to try. Experiment by using these items both on yourself and on your partner. The sky's the limit, as long as you’re the one maintaining control during the scene.
Make Time for Aftercare
Taking time to reconnect after any power play session is essential. This can look like cuddling, talking, taking time to yourself, or anything else that allows you both to connect emotionally.
Take time to reconnect, regroup, and discuss what you liked (and didn’t like) about the experience. Again, just like everything else, it’s about figuring out which practices work best and what works for both you and your partner. The more open and honest you and your partner can be, the better you can shape your next round of playtime to ensure that both of you truly enjoy it to the fullest.
Ready to take control of your sex life?
About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
