When It Hurts So Good: The Joyful Contradiction of Pain and Pleasure
This article was written for Arya by Niki Davis-Fainbloom
Niki Davis-Fainbloom is a New York–based sex educator, researcher, coach, and Arya In-House Expert. Her work uses up-to-date research, humor, and practical advice to assist people in developing the skills needed for healthier and more satisfying relationships.
Pain is commonly associated with negative experiences, often invoking memories of accidents and injuries.
So why is it that for some of us, when pain is paired with arousal and eroticism, such as a well-timed spank during sex, it can scratch a titillating itch that we didn’t know we had?
Impact play is an umbrella term encompassing various forms of sexual play that involve the physical impact on the body, intended for erotic or sensual stimulation. Research shows that almost half of people have a fantasy that involves some form of sensation or pain.
So, if a well-timed spank during sex gets your heart racing, you're not alone.
“Impact play reveals a fascinating interplay between the mind, body, and pleasure response. ”
Why Can Pain Feel Good?
When any pain is inflicted upon you, either by a person or concrete — you have no control over the situation. However, when impact play is done right — the person receiving the sensations has total control over the experience.
They are in a mindset of intimacy and connection and are ideally turned on and attracted to the person offering the sensation. So when exploring impact play for the first time, the idea is to set up measures for the person receiving the impact to feel as safe and in control as possible so that the sensations will be perceived positively (you’ll see why in a minute).
Here are some tips on how to consciously set up a scene:
Always start slow! This allows the body and mind to adjust gradually, lowering the risk of overwhelming sensations. Gradually building up the intensity of the experience can lead to a more pleasurable experience.
Always discuss boundaries and desires before starting a scene. Do you want to explore dirty talk? What type of sensation would you like to feel? Where do you want to experience sensation, and what areas are off-limits?
Create a safeword. This can be a specific word or a number system that indicates the intensity of the sensations experienced. If the receiving partner feels uncomfortable or the sensations become too intense, they can use the safeword to stop the activity.
Pro tip — if you are exploring impact play for the first time, try engaging in some foreplay first - so that the more intense sensations are more likely to be perceived as pleasurable — you’ll see why below.
“I recommend that you try to tune out any preconceived notions or societal expectations about what sex “should be.” Instead, focus on exploring what genuinely feels good for your body. ”
The Biology of Pain and Pleasure
Let’s say the vibe is right, and the consent game is strong. How can it be possible that some folks will experience a similar amount of pleasure getting whipped as getting their hoo-ha licked?
It may be hard to understand for those who haven’t enjoyed the thrill of impact play. However, when we investigate the biology of pain and pleasure, there is logic to this association.
Pain and pleasure lead to similar neurological responses in the brain.
Specifically, engaging in sexual activities and experiencing pain can both trigger the release of endorphins, which are natural pain-relieving and pleasure-inducing substances.
As a result, when you experience pain, if you feel safe and are in a state of arousal, these endorphins that are already flooding through your body can create feelings of euphoria and well-being, masking or overriding the sensation of pain and instead perceiving it as pleasurable or erotic.
There is also an overlap between the brain regions that process pain and pleasure. For example, the mesolimbic pathway plays a role in the experience of pleasure, reward, and motivation.
These regions are also involved in the processing of pain, particularly the emotional aspects of pain perception. As a result, it makes sense that, for some, adding in consensual and controlled pain during sex can intensify the neurological response and, if perceived positively as a result of the context, can increase pleasure.
How Common Is Enjoying Impact Play?
Social psychologists Justin Lehmiller completed the largest survey of sexual preferences in history and found that of 4175 adults in the United States, exploring power, control, and pain was the second most common sexual fantasy experienced by 46% of respondents! Many respondents have also acted on this fantasy.
His research found that:
14% of women and 16% of men said they have playfully whipped a partner or been whipped before
34% of women and 30% of men reported having spanked a partner or been spanked before
3% of women and 4% of men said they have been inside a BDSM party or dungeon before.
When you see that almost half of the respondents have fantasized about BDSM and nearly a third have tried spanking a partner during sex — it clearly depicts that combining plain and pleasure is not a niche or uncommon desire.
However, since Fifty Shades of Grey and other media have popularized impact play, it has become a very “cool” sexual dynamic to be into. It is now fairly typical to ask your partner if they are a dom or a sub or if they prefer giving or receiving impact.
It is worthwhile to note that we need a third option because the answer may be neither for many of us.
There are so many ways to sexually connect without exploring power dynamics or intense sensations, and if impact play isn’t for you, that’s totally fine.
Not enjoying impact play doesn’t make you any less sexual or desirable!
I recommend that you try to tune out any preconceived notions or societal expectations about what sex “should be.” Instead, focus on exploring what genuinely feels good for your body.
There are no wrong answers — but figuring out your desires and discussing your preferences with your partner is the first step toward having more pleasurable and connected sex.
Impact play reveals a fascinating interplay between the mind, body, and pleasure response.
In the right context, with proper communication and education, using impact can be a thrilling addition to one’s sex life. However, before you bring out the paddles and whips, discuss with your partner how you envision incorporating impact play into your life.
Are you a get spanked-in-a-dungeon kind of person, or do you prefer a light spank during penetration interspersed with loving caresses? Whatever your preferences may be, share them with your partner, see where your desires overlap, and have a great time exploring.
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