If you’ve been paying attention to relationship trends, you’ve likely seen the alarming headlines in the media proclaiming the rise of sexless marriages.

So, do those headlines have any truth to them?

Turns out that 33.1% of Baby Boomers, 22.9% of Gen X, 7.4% of Millennials, and 2.3% of Gen Z are in a sexless marriage (according to the latest data).

These are not small numbers. But not all is lost!

Recently, Arya published a Couples and Intimacy Trends report, which compiled data from over 100,000 participants. It revealed that sex matters to couples more than many care to admit.

This doesn’t come as a surprise to us—many people who sign up for Arya are looking for ways to rekindle the love and flame in the bedroom.

Our data also shows that couples who are in a sexless marriage or relationship may not be satisfied with their connection—only 10% of people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives feel close to their partners.

The happiest couples seek out ways to spice up their marriage, looking to sexually, erotically, and romantically reconnect with their partners.

So, if you find yourself in a sexless marriage, what can you do?

This is what Arya’s Head of Relationship Research, Nicholas Velotta, discovered:

Sexless Marriage, Defined

First things first—let’s define what a sexless marriage is.

The frequency of sex varies from couple to couple, and what might be a normal schedule for one couple might sound like a ‘sex drought’ for others.

Also, sex covers a range of activities, from intercourse to mutual masturbation.
Some couples might only count intercourse as sex, and if they’re not having intercourse, it means they’re in a sexless relationship.

Generally, a sexless marriage is when a couple doesn’t engage in any sexual activities (intercourse, oral, anal, etc.).

Some experts say the marriage is considered sexless after one year of no intimacy, while others say that it’s a sexless marriage if the couple hasn’t had intercourse for one month.

We have to call out that a sexless marriage is only ever an issue if it negatively affects the partners in the relationship.

If both partners are happy with a sexless arrangement, then there’s no reason to be concerned—some people might not consider sex important to a happy relationship, after all.

However, it can be a serious cause of stress and unhappiness in a relationship.

Common Reasons for No Intimacy in Marriage

Most relationships start with passionate sex, but passion tends to fizzle out with time. So, why does it happen? Why do people find themselves in a marriage without intimacy?

N. Velotta reveals it can happen for various reasons, but a big one is mismatched Erotic Personas.

Mismatched Erotic Personas

Arya’s Erotic Personas are a personality inventory for where you source your eroticism. “The Erotic Personas framework was created to help individuals uncover the intricate dynamics of what ignites and inhibits their desire,” N. Velotta explains.

Every person has an Erotic Persona, and it might be different from the Erotic Persona their partner has.

Our trend report uncovered that while it’s possible for couples to share the same Erotic Persona, in most cases, both partners have different ones.

The most popular pairing is The Adventurer with The Romantic—31% of couples have this pairing.

What happens when couples have mismatched Erotic Personas? They might want to engage in sexual activity in different ways. This may require different techniques to turn them on and varied frequencies of sex.

Without understanding their own desires and Erotic Persona, couples could struggle communicating it to their partner.

Lack of Knowledge

You’d think that with the amount of sex media available to us and the number of magazines printing the best sex tips for women and men, people would have enough knowledge to know how to have better sex.

Unfortunately, it’s not how it works.

“It’s hard to find resources that work for everyone’s individual needs,” says N. Velotta. When the magazine tips don’t work, and you’re not ready to go to marriage therapy, that may leave you in a tricky spot, which may lead to you and your partner giving up on having sex altogether.

Fear To Speak Up

Lots of people simply don’t talk about sex. According to N. Velotta, people tend to fall into one of two buckets: “The people who are worried about being judged, and the second bucket is people who don’t want to make it seem like their partner is doing something wrong during sex.”

Fear of change in the relationship is something that often stops people from talking about sex.

However, talking about it is one of the most important things in a relationship. It gives you and your partner a chance to be vulnerable, which fosters emotional intimacy.

Life Gets in the Way

Sometimes, the reason why people find themselves in a marriage without intimacy is due to various lifestyle factors, such as:

Health issues like erectile dysfunction, perimenopause, or a major surgery
Mental health struggles such as anxiety or depression
Taking certain medications like antidepressants that may affect the sex drive
Trust issues after a recent betrayal or infidelity
Stress at work, which may decrease libido
Being in a long-distance relationship

It’s hard to avoid life events from getting in the way of your sex life.

Keep in mind that most challenges don’t last forever, and there’s almost always a way to work through them.

How Important Is Sex in a Marriage?

It’s clear that some couples are not having sex, yet many people are still in these relationships.

You may be wondering—how important is sex in a relationship, anyway?

Our trends report reveals it’s essential for many couples and their overall wellbeing.

Relationship Satisfaction

”Sex correlates very highly with relationship satisfaction,” claims N. Velotta.

The happiest, most satisfied couples who feel close to each other and connected have a healthy sex life.

They tend to be more confident talking about sex, and they spend time exploring new things together.

Closeness

For many couples, sex is a way to connect and feel closer to one another. Sex can be an incredibly vulnerable experience with your partner.

“You’re literally surrendering your mind and emotions and your body. It’s a visceral experience of physical connection,” explains N. Velotta. After all, sex is one of the few things that separate a platonic relationship from a romantic one.

You don’t need to believe in energies and a higher power to feel the magic of connecting sexually with your partner.

Good for Your Health

Generally, research shows that sex is good for your health.

Orgasms are proven to reduce stress, help you sleep, and improve mood.

When you orgasm, your brain releases feel-good hormones that help you bond with your partner and feel more connected. These ‘happy’ hormones promote a sense of safety and security—important for good mental health.

While sex doesn’t burn that many calories, it still gets your heart pumping. So, having sex may also keep your cardiovascular health in good shape for longer, too.

How To Overcome a Sexless Marriage: 5 Expert Tips

Now that you know the what and the why, let’s talk about the how— how to fix a sexless marriage.

Find a Way To Bridge the Communication Gap

Talking about sex is not easy.

A straightforward way out of the sexless marriage is to talk about the sex you are not having. But if you struggle to find words, you may be lost about the how.

The good news is that we have solutions!

Gamify: Play a couples’ card game to create a playful, stress-free environment to start sexy conversations.
Yes/No/Maybe list: Together with your partner, create a “Yes/No/Maybe” list and swap them so you can better understand each other’s sexual desires.
Create a sex menu: An alternative to the “Yes/No/Maybe” list is a sex menu—create a menu of sexual activities you love and enjoy. Once you each have your menus, swap them and find out what common desires you may have.
Find out what your Erotic Persona is: Take our quick 10-minute quiz to find out what your Erotic Personas are and get exclusive tips on how to bridge the sexual gap and start having great sex again.

Arya designed the Erotic Persona framework to aid couples on this front. “It’s designed to make these conversations couples have easier to have and normalize conversations about sex” (N. Velotta).

Once you know your Erotic Personas, you’ll have a much easier time understanding what makes your partner hot and bothered.

Also, you’ll have an easier time talking about your desires—you’ll have the tools and insights to help you do that with ease.

Date Your Partner

When was the last time you took your partner on a date?

It’s very easy to let life get in the way and allow date nights to be forgotten. With jobs, kids, and family obligations, letting the romance slide to the bottom of the priority list is normal.

However, if you want to have more sex, you have to prioritize your relationship.

Start by reintroducing weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly date nights. Need ideas? We've got you. Check out our fun things couples can do together guide.

You don’t have to go to expensive restaurants or chaotic axe-throwing bars to enjoy a romantic date night!

Spending time together and surprising your partner with a romantic at-home date night can make all the difference and help you feel closer.

Try Something New

Our trend report revealed that 75% of couples felt more connected after trying something new in the bedroom.

Novelty is the key to satisfied, passionate sex in a long-term relationship.

And it’s a simple solution to get out of a sexless marriage.

You may be wondering how trying a new sex position or having sex in a new location will help when your partner doesn’t even want to touch you.

Well, the good news is you don’t have to try something new in the bedroom for it to rekindle the flame in your relationship.

Research shows that when couples engage in novel activities (like trying a painting class together), it brings them closer together and improves relationship satisfaction.

Chances are that once you feel closer to your partner, the desire to have sex will also awaken.

Remove the Sex off the Table

Sometimes, the reason why you’re not having sex is sex.

More precisely, the pressure of having sex.

It may be looming above your head, making you dread your partner's touches, flirty glances, and even the idea of going to bed at the same time.

Remove the pressure by agreeing not to have sex. Instead, engage in other activities such as:

Sensation play: Explore your partner’s body with sensory tools such as a blindfold, feather tickler, or a pinwheel.
Temperature play: Feeling bolder? Try giving your partner a massage with a warm massage oil candle. Or experiment with low-temperature candles to see whether they enjoy a drip of pain with their pleasure.
Sensual massage: Everyone loves a good massage after a long day. Surprise your partner with a no-strings-attached full-body massage to show just how much you love and appreciate them.
Erotic roleplay: Maybe it’s time to step out of your comfort zone and pretend to be strangers for one night. Create an alter ego, have fun, and see where the playful game may take you.
Shibari: Japanese rope bondage can be a great way to try something different, learn a new skill, and find a unique way to relax with your partner. No sex has to be involved—many people engage in Shibari because it simply feels good to be tied, or they enjoy tying elaborate knots.
Making out: Kiss for however long you want with no expectations of the make-out session needing to end in sex. You may even turn it into a game or competition—who can kiss each other longer without touching each other.

If sex is the cause of stress or anxiety, remove it from the equation. You may be surprised how fruitful, playful, and intimate exploration without pressure to have sex can be. And then, if one thing does lead to another, that’s okay too.

Worship Your Partner

It’s time to be honest with yourself—does your partner know you adore them? Do they feel like you’re attracted to them? That you’re happy you share a life?

If you had to pause and think about any of the answers, it might be time to find ways to show your partner how much they matter to you.

There are plenty of ways you can worship your partner:

Compliment them when they least expect it
Notice things they love and surprise them with these things (ex, favorite coffee, a piece of jewelry they loved in the shop, etc.)
Support them verbally and physically
Let them know you’re proud of them
Prioritize their pleasure

Chances are that once your partner feels supported, adored, and desired, they may feel much more excited about the idea of having sex again.

A Sexless Marriage Doesn’t Mean the End of Your Relationship

If you’re in a sexless marriage, know that you’re not alone.

And just because your marriage lacks intimacy, it doesn’t mean that this is how it has to stay forever.

You have the power to transform your relationship, and even small things like finding a new way to connect with your partner can be a great start.

Ready to bring back the sex into your marriage?

Start by discovering your Erotic Persona.

This article was written for Arya by Karolina Wilde

Karolina Wilde is the author of House of Pain, the first book in a seductive dark fantasy romance trilogy, a journalist, and a sex-positive freelance writer who worked with some of the biggest brands in the world. She has a serious obsession with chocolate (dark or milk, never white, and always with salted caramel), and when she's not writing another book or another client article, she can be found playing World of Warcraft or trying to conquer her never-ending TBR pile.

About Arya

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