How To Explore Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner Ft. Simone Farschi
Simone Farschi is a sex and intimacy coach working with women, men, non-binary individuals, and couples in the Bay Area in California and throughout the world.
She is also a certified Sexological Bodyworker and Somatic practitioner, and a founder of The Pleasure Plus, an online community for women interested in exploring intimacy and pleasure.
Simone’s goal is to help people create better intimacy through communication, open new pathways to pleasure and build confidence.
One of the ways Simone encourages individuals and couples to connect with themselves and each other better and foster sexual desire is by embracing sexual fantasies.
Unlocking and indulging in your fantasies as a couple can be incredibly sensual and a fantastic way to try new things. Even 97% of Americans admit to having sexual fantasies (and having them often!).
So, what better way to spend your next date night than sharing and cultivating your sexual fantasies together?
We had a conversation with Farschi about our sexual desire, how it changes throughout the relationship, and how sexual fantasies can enhance our sexual attraction to our partners.
Sexual Desire & Erotic Fantasy
Arya: What makes up our desire to have sex with our partners?
Simone Farschi: Desire is the yearning and anticipation for an experience.
Our desire to have sex with our partners occurs because biologically we have neurotransmitters that release dopamine into our brain when we encounter someone we are attracted to and have had a pleasurable experience with or relate the connection to the pleasures of sex we have imagined or experienced in the past.
When we have the best sex of our life or a relationship we are in lust or love, we have a high desire or libido to continue having sex.
In this state of high desire, we get to experience what it's like to bridge the space between the self and the other. Desire amplifies when our core erotic themes are understood and delivered.
Our desire stems from attraction, excitement, and arousal, and is a result of both attraction and some sort of obstacle, which creates excitement.
This is why in the beginning stages of a relationship (also known as the honeymoon phase) it is easy to have lots of desire. We are essentially figuring it out, and safety has not yet been entirely secured.
In long-term relationships, we desire because we love our partner, value the relationship, and can still cultivate strong desire if our fantasies and core desires are being met.
Arya: What is sexual fantasy?
Simone Farschi: A sexual fantasy is anything that causes arousal or deepens your desire for sex.
Fantasies are imaginative scenario or replayed memory that builds on your core desires. And core desires are what you need to feel deeply connected, seen, satisfied, and aroused in sex.
To have fulfilling sex, your core desires must be discovered and fulfilled.
Most often, sexual fantasies are depicted in categories of romance, passion, submission, and dominance or a combo of one or more. Fantasies, unlike core desires, can change.
And it’s important to mention that fantasies do not have to be created in real life to be fulfilling.
Arya: What role does sexual fantasy play in our desire to have sex/relationship? Why is it important?
Simone Farschi: Fantasy is a tool. It is the imaginative juice and ability to maintain a strong desire for long-lasting relationships.
Sexual desire can serve as a gauge to how much we value our relationships and our ability to stay intimately connected.
Also, fantasy plays an important role in maintaining desire because it allows for a greater amount of experiences and feelings to be met that can mimic and arouse the same feelings of core desires necessary to having a fulfilling sex life.
Sexual Fantasies are Normal
Arya: Do people often misunderstand sexual fantasies?
Simone Farschi: Yes, fantasies are very often misunderstood.
This can happen as a result of not truly understanding our core desires. Our core erotic desires are what we want and need to feel in a sexual experience to be validated and satisfied in our experience.
For example, if you say your fantasy is about having a threesome, your partner may either be offended or triggered and this can be a source of conflict.
When we take a closer look at the fantasy and what lies underneath the core desire, we can then see that wanting to experience a threesome at its core is wanting to feel desired, worshiped, experience a deep partnership, and have value, to name a few.
Once these core desires are understood ultimately the way the fantasy plays out can change but the core desires will be the same.
Another way that I see fantasies being misunderstood is when the person does not know what they want.
So, they respond by sharing a fantasy that they think will turn on their partner. This, similarly to faking an orgasm, can only be tolerable for so long in being satisfied sexually, and will lead to resentment or becoming bored and lack of desire.
Arya: What would you say if someone would ask you: “are my sexual fantasies normal?”
Simone Farschi: While some sexual fantasies are more popular than others, it does not mean that your fantasy is not normal because it is not talked about.
Many people do not talk about some of the most normal fantasies because they feel ashamed or fear that they will be judged, or they feel that there is something wrong with them for having those thoughts in association with turn-on.
When my clients are asking me if their sexual fantasies are normal, they are really asking: “Am I a bad or perverse person for having these thoughts?”
No one wants to be judged for their sexual desires, and that is often what happens.
Perhaps, an important question to ask is why are we not having more open conversations about sexual desires and fantasies, when it is one of the biggest reasons why couples find themselves unsatisfied in the bedroom.
Before going deeper into this, some important information to note is that our society's outlook on sex is very limited. It makes it incredibly difficult to discuss and normalize the broad spectrum of fantasies.
We must get past some myths that have been normalized and have debilitated our conversation and understanding of desire.
First, we think that sex is just supposed to happen. We see it in movies and stories all the time. There is no example of two people pausing before or during a sex scene and asking each other what they like and how they can make it better.
In media, it's just meeting, kissing, and amazing hot sex. This idea suggests that there is no way to investigate the inner workings of our minds and desires but that we should just know or suffer.
Second, we see a variety of hallmark fantasies that are acceptable, such as rose petals and long walks on the beach, romantic destinations, domination, sleeping with a stranger, or threesomes.
The more dark fantasies or fetishes are shown by questionable characters in society, they are psychologically twisted, criminals, or extremists. This prevents many people from openly wanting to accept, share, or explore their fantasies, already feeling like it is too taboo.
Additionally, and I’ll say most importantly, our society does not prioritize or even invite sexuality as part of our holistic well-being and happiness.
Rather, we feel ashamed, and judgmental when people are sexually forward and discriminate against them as not taking life seriously, lacking something, or being sex addicts.
Bringing Your Sexual Fantasies to Life
Arya: Do we have to bring all of our sexual fantasies to life?
Simone Farschi: Of course not.
That is the beauty of sexual fantasy. It can be purely imagined in the safety of our own mind, it can be explored verbally during or outside of sex, and it can be practiced to an edge but not fully.
Especially when our fantasies can be more extreme or edgy they may be very hard to actually fulfill in real life or can even be illegal or harmful. In this case, it is important to find ways to create a setting for the fantasy to be fulfilled in a safe way and not harm anyone or anything.
Arya: How can people start sharing their sexual fantasies with their partners?
Simone Farschi: If you have any kind of shame or fear about sharing your fantasy with your partner, I would suggest really getting to know your fantasy and core desires yourself first.
This way you have a greater understanding of how you want to explore your fantasy and can share not just the play-by-play of the sexual event but also the desired feelings that you crave.
Once you feel comfortable with your own fantasy and have practiced explaining it, then you might want to share it with a partner. When we are sharing something vulnerable and that we desire, it's important to know that our partner is emotionally ready for that conversation.
Arya: What advice would you give if someone is afraid/shy to share their fantasies with a partner because of how they might react?
Simone Farschi: You can test the waters by asking if they are interested in different kinds of kink or how they feel about more uncommon fantasies.
Observe how they react. If you get a reaction that is shameful or leaves you feeling uncomfortable, then it might not be the right person to share your sexual fantasies with.
If it turns out that they are just inexperienced, you can have an open conversation about the variety of fantasies without explicitly sharing yours.
Arya: What tips would you give to people who want to start exploring their sexual fantasies with their partners in real life?
Simone Farschi: If you are ready to start exploring your fantasy with your partner, start by sharing it verbally.
Get to a place where you feel comfortable expressing your fantasy and the nuances of what turns you on, remember to include all the details of not only what is happening but how what is happening makes you feel.
This can be a really fun exercise to play out as whispering in each other's ear while being sensual or having sex.
The key is to not judge, keep the space comfortable to fully express yourself, and even help each other by asking questions and being curious so that you can understand your partner's fantasy even more.
Once you have become comfortable sharing verbally what your fantasies are you get to decide how much you want to explore in real life.
Having a partner that you can share your deepest fantasies with and who is willing to explore them with you, or help set you up a space that can activate the feelings you want to get from your fantasies is an incredibly nurturing and intimate relationship to cultivate.
Some couples are lucky if they share the same fantasies with their partner or at least have aspects that overlap.
When that is not the case, and your fantasies are very different it is possible to overlap some of the qualities of each other's fantasies or take turns giving each other their core desires so that the relationship continues to build and have sexual compatibility.
About The Expert
Simone is a Sex Educator and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Bodyworker, and public speaker. She is featured in the EPIX TV series Sex Life and in NYC Journal as the 2022 best coach. Her mission is to elevate relationships, demystify pleasure, and empower people in their sexuality.
Simone is also the founder of The Pleasure Plus, an online community that brings women together to learn how to have fulfilling and emotionally intelligent relationships, be empowered and secure in their bodies, be authentically themselves, gain sexual agency, trust their choices, and communicate desires— becoming more magnetic, radiant, and fulfilled in all aspects of their lives.
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