What To Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Be Intimate: 12 Expert Tips
It can be hard to know what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate anymore, especially if you’ve had years of a great, passionate sex life that’s only alive in the memories.
Many people looking for ways to improve intimacy often turn to Google and sex experts for sex tips and original ways to spice up the bedroom. While using handcuffs in the bedroom is hot and fun, it may not be the right approach for everyone.
Don’t worry—we got you! Let’s dive into expert advice on what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate and how to bring back the spark in the relationship.
Understand the Why
More people than ever before are in sexless marriages, looking for a way to fix it. First things first—do you know why your partner is not interested in having sex anymore?
It may be jarring and upsetting if a once-thriving sex life is not the same anymore, we get it. However, instead of blaming your partner for not wanting it, approach the situation with empathy and try to understand why your partner lost interest in sex.
Our libido ebbs and flows throughout our lives, so it’s normal to change. There can be many reasons that influence the changes, too:
Hormone imbalance: When people experience hormonal changes when they go through menopause (or other periods of their life), their sexual desire may change. Sex after menopause may look different from what you’re used to.
Stress: Maybe your partner is under too much stress at work or in their personal life. Stress is a known libido-killer that may be influencing their desire to engage in physical intimacy.
Medications: Is your partner on a medication? Some medications can cause changes in libido and even the ability to orgasm.
Pain: Does your partner experience pain during sex? That could be a valid reason why they may not want to engage in sex, especially intercourse. Many women experience vaginal pain for various reasons.
Health issues: Maybe your partner is experiencing health-related issues that may be either affecting their libido or preventing them from being able to enjoy sex to the fullest, so they choose not to engage in it at all.
Lack of orgasms: Unfortunately, the orgasm gap is still a thing. If your partner is not having a good time during partnered sex, they may simply avoid having it altogether and focus on other activities (such as masturbation) instead for guaranteed satisfaction.
Before you jump into a solution to lack of sex, start by figuring out the reason why your partner stopped having sex with you. Once you know the why, you can find the right solution.
What To Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Be Intimate: 12 Tips on How To Improve Physical Intimacy
We have 12 expert tips to help you find a way to reconnect with your partner and start enjoying deep and intimate partnered sex again.
1. Remove the Pressure
There’s so much pressure to have sex a certain way. Too much pressure.
All that pressure can kill a desire to have sex in the blink of an eye. The good news is, there’s an easy solution.
Find a way to remove the pressure to have sex when you’re intimate with your partner. How? Well, it’s pretty simple.
If you kiss them, do so because you want to kiss them, not because you want to initiate sex.
If you cuddle, do so because you want to feel them close to you, not because you want to initiate sex.
If you want to have sex, explore different forms of sex (non-penetrative) and forget the script you usually follow.
You may be surprised by what happens when you stop focusing on having sex.
One of Arya’s couples shared with us that curated nights of play not centered around sex helped them get unstuck in their sexuality by getting rid of the ideas about what you should and shouldn’t do during erotic play.
2. Talk It Out
Having conversations about things like sex or lack of it in a relationship can be scary, that’s okay!
Having these conversations with your partner allows you to be vulnerable. And being vulnerable with each other is a surefire way to deepen emotional intimacy.
So, have an active conversation with your partner about what’s going on in their life and what they’re feeling. Ask them questions, and listen when they answer. Try to understand what they’re saying and what they’re feeling.
3. Schedule a Date Night
When was the last time you had uninterrupted time with your partner? If you had to pause and think, then it’s been too long!
It’s time to schedule a date night.
While it’s natural for life to get in the way with family, work, and kid-related obligations often taking up most of the time, it’s important to prioritize your relationship if you want to have a satisfying sex life.
It’s so easy, too! Be intentional and spend the time to organize a romantic date night at home.
If you want to make it extra special, check out our guide on things couples can do together to get some date night ideas.
4. Find Ways To Show Appreciation
For many people, the desire to have sex comes from feeling secure, loved, and appreciated in a relationship.
When was the last time you told your partner you loved them? Or how much you appreciate it when they help you find your keys every morning?
Find small ways in your everyday life to show appreciation, love, and worship them, such as:
Bring them breakfast in bed
Make them coffee in the morning while they shower
When they ask for help (like to take out the trash), do it immediately
Leave love notes for them to find around the house
Send them sweet random texts during the day
You may be surprised to find out how much your relationship transforms.
5. Try Something New
Novelty is the name of the game when it comes to satisfying sex life in long-term relationships. So, when was the last time you tried something new in the bedroom with your partner?
You don’t need to go to sex parties, invite a third person, or chain your partner to the bed and wear a latex catwoman suit to bring some novelty into the bedroom.
Simply trying a new sex position or different location can make a difference.
Need ideas? Here are some sexy and novel things to try in the bedroom:
Edging and orgasm denial
Temperature and wax play
Anal sex or anal massage
Have hotel sex
Try a new sex toy together
Trying something new doesn’t have to be complicated or hard—you don’t need to leave your home to add novelty to your erotic routine.
6. Be Someone Else for One Night
Pretending to be someone else for one night can be a great way to rekindle the flame in the bedroom.
Why not try erotic roleplay and see for yourself?
Pretend to be strangers and go out to the bar. No pressure to have sex—focus on having fun and embodying your new roles!
Playfulness can unlock a new side of your relationship, and you have full freedom over choosing your alter ego. You may even uncover something completely new about your partner in the process!
7. Create a “Yes/Maybe/No” List or a Sex Menu
Do you talk about your sexual desires with your partner? If the answer is no, then you definitely want to give a “Yes/Maybe/No” or a Sex Menu a go.
“Yes/Maybe/No” list or a Sex Menu both work similarly—these are two effective, pressure-free ways to communicate your sexual desires, likes, and dislikes.
The “Yes/Maybe/No” list looks something like this:
Yes: List all the sex-related activities you love or would love to try.
Maybe: List all the sex-related activities you may be interested in trying.
No: List all the sex-related activities that are off-limits and don’t interest you.
A Sex Menu is a bit different and requires you to create a “Menu” that focuses only on the positives:
Appetizers: List all the foreplay activities you enjoy.
Main Dish: List all the sex-related activities you want to engage in.
Dessert: List all the aftercare activities you enjoy.
Each of these frameworks will work for different people. So, see what feels right for you and give it a go!
8. Find Out Your Erotic Persona
When we surveyed over 100,000 people for our 2025 Couples and Intimacy Trends report, we found that not all couples have matching Erotic Personas.
What’s an Erotic Persona?
The Erotic Persona is Arya’s intimacy framework. “The Erotic Personas framework was created to help individuals uncover the intricate dynamics of what ignites and inhibits their desire,” explains Nicholas Velotta, Head of Relationship Research at Arya.
Most of Arya’s users are The Adventurers, but the most popular Erotic Persona pairing is The Adventurer and The Romantic, with 31% of Arya’s couples having this pairing.
Figure out your Erotic Persona, and help your partner find theirs. Once you know what EP you each have, you can better understand each other’s desires and how to fulfill them.
9. Discover Your Erogenous Zones
You probably know about the most popular erogenous zones, like the vulva and the penis.
Maybe the nipples and the earlobes… But how about the wrists, the inner thighs, that area behind the scrotum?
Spend some time pleasure mapping each other and figuring out what your most sensitive erogenous zones are all over your body.
Use your lips, fingertips, tongue, and even sex toys to help you explore.
10. Find Ways To Enhance Foreplay
The more pleasurable and hot the sex is for your partner, the more into having sex with you they’ll be. Great sex begets great sex.
So, ask yourself—are you a generous lover? Do you prioritize their pleasure?
One super-easy way to enhance pleasure is to find ways to make foreplay better. We definitely don’t spend enough time on foreplay, but we should!
On average, women take 14 minutes to orgasm, while it takes around 5 minutes for men during partnered sex. Extended foreplay with oral sex, fingering, and a sensual massage can close that gap and make sex more satisfying for everyone.
11. Turn Them On Outside the Bedroom
Arya’s couple, Britt and Jay, share that for them, eroticism starts outside the bedroom, and turning each other on has nothing to do with sexual activities.
“Watching her excel at work, watching her dress herself well, watching her take care of her needs,” Britt names all the non-bedroom-related things that turn her on about her partner and keep the bedroom hot.
What’s something about your partner, non-sex related, that turns you on? Find those things about each other and acknowledge them.
12. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, your efforts and good intentions may not be enough on their own.
It’s alright to consider seeking help from a licensed professional specializing in couples therapy and sexuality to help you navigate these difficult waters.
There’s no shame in turning to an expert who can help you mediate and find the reason why you stopped having sex and how to start having great sex again.
Are you The Adventurer or The Connector?
Take our Erotic Persona Quiz and find out!
This article was written for Arya by Karolina Wilde
Karolina Wilde is the author of House of Pain, the first book in a seductive dark fantasy romance trilogy, a journalist, and a sex-positive freelance writer who worked with some of the biggest brands in the world. She has a serious obsession with chocolate (dark or milk, never white, and always with salted caramel), and when she's not writing another book or another client article, she can be found playing World of Warcraft or trying to conquer her never-ending TBR pile.
About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
