How To Turn A Woman On: 10 Ways To Get Her In The Mood To Play
Folks in long-term relationships know that things in the bedroom don’t always stay hot and heavy like they were at the start of the relationship. That’s when you find yourself Googling “how to turn a girl on” or “how to spice up the bedroom” while you're stuck in yet another meeting that could've been an email.
There’s a reason why over half of our population is stuck in sexless marriages. Between work stress, routines, kids, and the general chaos of life, it’s normal for intimacy to slip.
But here’s the good news—just because intimacy and sex are on the back burner, it doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck there!
The truth is, long-term love isn’t the end of great sex. In fact, with the right moves and mindset, love and sex get better with time.
Ready to learn how to turn her on and start having passionate sex again?
The Science of Sexual Desire: Men vs. Women
First, you need to understand how sexual desire works for men and women.
Spoiler alert: all of us are different and have different libidos.
Some research shows that men’s and women’s arousal patterns aren’t always on the same timeline. Men tend to experience more spontaneous desire (aka a “ready when you are” vibe), whereas women are more likely to have a responsive desire.
What does responsive desire mean?
Women often need something to spark a desire to have sex—a touch, a look, a moment of connection.
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that emotional intimacy in long-term relationships often precedes and fuels sexual desire, supporting the idea that, for many women, arousal follows connection rather than coming out of nowhere.
Translation: If your wife doesn’t seem “in the mood” for sex when you are, it’s not because she’s not into you. She simply needs more build-up to get there.
That’s where you come in to help her with curiosity, confidence, and care.
How To Turn a Girl On: 10 Ways To Drive Her Wild
It’s time to get to the good stuff—these aren’t “pickup artist” tricks—these are real, grounded ways to reignite passion and turn her on emotionally, mentally, and physically. When you’re done with her, she’s going to feel hot and bothered.
1. Appreciate and Worship Her Outside the Bedroom
You want her to feel sexy? Start by making her feel seen. Appreciated.
When you notice little things about her—how she owned a project at work, how good she looks in her most recent shopping find, how she laughs at your dad jokes—make sure you tell her.
She must feel like she’s a cherished part of your everyday life.
Arousal begins before you get into bed; it starts in little daily moments.
Arya Tip: Say it out loud, with confidence. “I love the way you handled that situation today.” “You’re so gorgeous when you laugh.” Don’t just think it. Speak it.
2. Hold Her Hand
Physical touch isn’t just a prelude to sex—it’s a form of everyday intimacy that brings you closer.
Hold her hand in public, touch her lower back when casually chatting with the other parents at a soccer game, or brush her hair off her face while you talk. It creates a subtle sense of connection between you two.
Oxytocin (aka the bonding or love hormone) is released through various forms of physical touch. It’s been shown to increase trust and emotional closeness, which are key to female arousal, as we already discussed.
Simple contact, big impact!
3. Be Intimate With No Expectations
The fastest way to kill the bedroom mood? Making your partner feel like every touch is a silent initiation of sex.
It’s a bad habit many couples fall into, especially in long-term relationships.
When it happens, your partner may start dreading any form of physical contact because it starts associating with expectations in their mind.
Instead of touching your partner only when you want to have sex, get into a new habit—touch them with no expectations but to enjoy their touch.
Get cozy. Cuddle. Spoon. Make out. Run your fingers through her hair. Let her feel and take pleasure in your touch.
This kind of connection builds trust, deepens emotional connection, and increases the likelihood that she’ll want to take things further, on her terms.
4. Give Her a Sensual Massage
We’re not talking about the “let’s rush through this to get to the main event” kind of massage.
Give her a real, full-body sensual massage–slow, intentional, indulgent, and loving. Use warm massage oil, soft lighting, mood-setting music, and even scented candles. Give her 100% of your focus.
Start on her back, shoulders, thighs, or even feet. Let your hands linger, explore. If she’s into it (always make sure she is), gradually shift the energy to something more erotic.
But again—no pressure. Let her enjoy the experience.
5. Flirt With Her
Flirting isn’t just for the dating stages of a relationship. It’s for life—you should never stop flirting!
It makes you feel alive and keeps the relationship fresh and thriving for years.
How do you flirt with your partner? We’re glad you asked!
Text her something cheeky while you’re at work. Whisper something naughty in her ear when the kids aren’t paying attention. Smirk at her like you’ve got a secret.
Flirting reminds her that she’s desirable and wanted. You’re still the guy who can’t keep his hands off her.
6. Send Her a Flirty Text
Think of this as your digital foreplay. A sexy little message mid-day plants a seed for a steamy night later. Keep it playful—just suggestive enough to spark her imagination.
Try something like:
“Was thinking about that thing with your tongue you did last weekend. And now I’m distracted.”
“Just a heads-up... tonight, you’re all mine.”
“Remember what I whispered last night? I can’t stop thinking about it.”
It’s all about the anticipation.
7. Do Something New Together
Novelty, in and out of the bedroom, is the best aphrodisiac.
Numerous studies show that trying new things together—anything from cooking a weird recipe to learning how to dance salsa—releases dopamine, the same chemical tied to early-stage romance and attraction.
Trying something new gets you out of the routine mode, which can naturally increase sexual excitement and help you both get in the mood to play.
8. Go on a Date
When was the last time you asked your partner on a date? Yes, an actual date. Not a grocery run, or folding laundry together after the kids go to bed.
It’s natural for couples in long-term relationships to stop dating when life gets in the way. Time for a change.
Get dressed up. Make a reservation. Have a drink, a conversation, a laugh. Share a meal without interruptions, just the two of you.
One-on-one time outside your usual environment gives you both a chance to reconnect. To fully listen and share what’s on your mind.
When your partner feels prioritized, they’ll be more likely to be sexually open.
Arya Tip: While on a date, surprise her with a little something—a handwritten note, her favorite dessert, or a playlist made just for her. Thoughtfulness is hot.
Need romantic date night ideas? We got you covered–check out our guide on things couples can do together.
9. Level Up Your Foreplay Game
How’s your foreplay game?
If foreplay feels like a checkbox on the way to intercourse, it’s time to rethink it.
Great foreplay is essential for great sex—it gives your partner time to warm up and get aroused, and increases their chances of an orgasm.
So, what’s great foreplay?
It’s teasing, building tension, and exploring. It’s eye contact, whispers, and hands roaming slowly with purpose.
Kiss her neck longer. Touch her over her clothes before you undress her. Give her your full attention, and make sure she knows you’re savoring every second.
Here are more ideas of things to try to elevate your foreplay game:
Temperature and wax play
Edging and orgasm control
Use her favorite sex toy on her (check out our best sex toys for women guide)
Watch her masturbate or try mutual masturbation
Pleasure map each other and find all of her erogenous zones
10. Participate in a Sex Ban
This one may surprise you, but hear us out!
Temporarily taking sex off the table with a voluntary “sex ban” can quickly spark the desire.
Ban sex for a week or two, only focusing on non-sexual affection such as cuddling, making out, physical touch, and flirting. It will build the tension between you two.
A “sex ban” removes the pressure to have sex, which often kills libido. It helps you tune into each other emotionally, while creating delicious tension that will leave both of you wanting more.
Try it with your partner and see how long you can last.
The Bottom Line
Keeping the bedroom busy in long-term relationships requires care and attention. It’s not always about trying a new sex position or inviting a third partner to keep things fresh.
It’s about cultivating desire—emotionally, mentally, and physically—in new, exciting, and playful ways.
When you approach how to turn your girl on with curiosity, patience, and confidence, you’re not just aiming for better sex–you’re investing in your relationship in a meaningful way.
That’s the kind of effort that pays off.
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This article was written for Arya by Karolina Wilde
Karolina Wilde is the author of House of Pain, the first book in a seductive dark fantasy romance trilogy, a journalist, and a sex-positive freelance writer who worked with some of the biggest brands in the world. She has a serious obsession with chocolate (dark or milk, never white, and always with salted caramel), and when she's not writing another book or another client article, she can be found playing World of Warcraft or trying to conquer her never-ending TBR pile.
About Arya
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