Letting Go of Shame and How To Talk About Sex & Relationships With Lorrae Bradbury
Lorrae Bradbury is a sex, love, and erotic empowerment coach. Her sex-positive work helps the erotically curious to overcome shame, explore desire, and navigate kink, poly, and queer identities.
In 2011 she founded Slutty Girl Problems with the goal of destigmatizing sexuality and reclaiming "slut" as an empowering term in which she succeeded.
Currently, she's focusing on supporting the erotically curious with virtual workshops and content to embrace pleasure and adventure and pull shame and old paradigms to live full, authentic, and free.
Here at Arya, we're all about creating a fun and shame-free environment for couples to explore new things together.
So, we had a conversation with Bradbury on sexual shame, how it impacts our sex lives and how can we learn to better communicate about sex with our partners.
Shame & Sexuality
Arya: One of the themes of your work is letting go of shame. How does shame affect the way we have sex and communicate around it?
Lorrae Bradbury: Shame can have a profound impact on our own self-concept as sexual beings and the expression of our sexuality.
Shame often comes from societal messages, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences that label certain sexual behaviors, experiences, or desires as wrong, dirty, or sinful. It is not an inherent part of us — it’s culturally imposed, learned, and enforced.
When we internalize shame, it inhibits our ability to express ourselves fully and authentically, explore our desires, communicate our needs, or even love ourselves for who we are.
Ultimately, shame creates barriers to our full expression and vulnerability, as we fear that we are inherently wrong or bad, or that we’ll face judgment or rejection if we show up as ourselves. It can make us feel unworthy of pleasure, ashamed of our bodies, and hinders our ability to engage in open and fulfilling sexual experiences.
The more we recognize these patterns and how they’ve been enforced over time, and approach our patterns with introspection, self-compassion, and a reframing of harmful beliefs — the more we can overcome shame to embrace a positive, playful, and explorative attitude towards sexuality.
Arya: From your experience working with clients, what are the reasons for people being so uncomfortable to communicate about sex?
Lorrae Bradbury: From when we are young, we are often flooded with cultural and societal influences that shape our view of sexuality, and any shame, embarrassment, or fear that we carry.
Even if someone grows up in an extremely supportive, sex-positive home, we can’t escape a culture that is largely sex-negative, and the messages absorbed from peers, community, and media.
While our media is generally getting more representative, and it’s easier to find sex-positive communities and content on social media, we still live in a culture where our bodies are scrutinized, legislated, objectified, and for many folks, even targeted.
As the activist call goes, “the personal is the political” — and our own internalized shame and fear are absolutely shaped by society, policies, public discourse, and systemic patriarchy.
These factors inescapably inform our relationship with ourselves, sexuality, and one another, and become compounded by relationship dynamics and trauma as we interact with others who are facing their own internalized shame, misogyny, or judgment, and perpetuate harmful, stigmatizing, or oppressive patterns with others.
Historical stigmatization and the continued enforcement of puritanical and misogynistic values inherently create a culture of silence, oppression, and discomfort.
In a sex-negative culture, many grow up in environments where open conversations about sex are considered taboo or inappropriate.
As an adult, these sentiments remain, and a lingering fear of judgment, rejection, or vulnerability can make it difficult to express our desires, needs, and boundaries.
When you add in partner-related factors, such as mismatched communication styles or challenging power dynamics, it creates even more barriers to open and honest conversations about sex.
The Importance of Communication
Arya: What are the key pillars of healthy, emotionally intelligent communication when it comes to sex and in a relationship in general?
Lorrae Bradbury: Active listening is a huge asset when exploring erotic communication. It’s crucial that we all aim to listen to our partners openly and without judgment, truly hearing and understanding our partners’ thoughts, feelings, and desires, to foster a sense of trust and safety in our connection.
Showing empathy and understanding towards your partner's perspective and experiences also helps create a non-judgmental space where each partner feels more comfortable expressing themselves.
Even non-verbal cues, such as body language, facial expressions, and tone, are subtle signals to show our partner that we recognize and validate their emotions, and want to show up to create more connection together.
It’s also important to set and honor boundaries and establish clear and ongoing consent. The more you can get clear on your “Yes’s” and “No’s”, the more you can build a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy in your relationship, and create a safe space where you can feel more comfortable being vulnerable.
Arya: Does working on improving self-esteem translates into better sexual communication?
Lorrae Bradbury: Absolutely!
How we view ourselves has a huge impact on our communication — after all, it can be really hard to express our boundaries, needs, or desires when we don’t feel that we are worth it or deserve pleasure.
Trauma affects this even more, as it often robs us of our agency and voice, and we internalize the belief that our needs and desires don’t matter.
As we untangle the complicated web of our challenging experiences and their effect on our self-esteem, we get more clarity and feel more deserving of the things that bring us pleasure, and become more empowered to speak our boundaries out loud.
When we feel confident and secure in our bodies and desires, we are more likely to assert our needs and advocate for our pleasure.
Improving our self-esteem can also help us overcome ingrained feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment that we may feel about sex. It impacts how we perceive and accept feedback from our partners, and approach constructive discussions about preferences.
Our sense of self-esteem creates a strong foundation to show up as our full erotic selves and expand our empowered sexual expression.
Arya: Does learning better sexual communication lead to a better overall relationship?
Lorrae Bradbury: Effective communication in every aspect of our lives empowers us to fully express our needs, desires, and boundaries. In sexual relationships, our openness and empathetic connection foster trust, intimacy, and understanding between partners.
As we openly discuss our desires, needs, and boundaries in a safe, non-judgemental connection, we build stronger emotional connections, open to more intimacy, and enhance our sexual experiences.
Sexual communication also helps partners to better understand each other's pleasure preferences, reduces misunderstandings, and supports us to explore new experiences, fantasies, or techniques.
In a sense, it affirms that both partners are a team, working together to create an erotic environment where everyone’s needs are met and desires explored, within each partner’s boundaries.
These communication skills also spill over into other aspects of the relationship, and into life as a whole!
When partners feel comfortable discussing something as taboo and personal as intimacy, they are better equipped to have open conversations about emotional needs, personal growth, and relationship goals or set boundaries and express needs with friends, family members, and at work.
How to communicate about relationships & sex
Arya: What if one partner is open to communication, and the other is a bit more reserved? How can the willing partner help push the other partner in the right direction?
Lorae Bradbury: When one partner is open to communication and the other is more reserved, it's essential for the more eager partner to approach the situation with patience, empathy, and understanding.
First, it’s crucial to foster and honor a safe space for communication, creating an environment of trust, non-judgment, and non-pressure where your partner can feel comfortable expressing themselves without feeling rushed or pushed beyond their boundaries.
Assure them that their thoughts, desires, and boundaries will be respected and valued, and emphasize that in communication.
Comfortable partners can also lead by example, showing that they are open to discussing sex by initiating conversations in a gentle, non-confrontational, and supportive manner.
Partners can share their own desires and experiences, and encourage their partners to do the same when they feel ready, being open and receptive without prodding for that information.
All couples can practice active listening to demonstrate their genuine interest in understanding one another's perspectives and share thoughts and feelings without interruption or judgment.
Partners may have different boundaries regarding the pace and depth of the conversation, and it can take a while to untangle our own traumatic experiences, upbringings, and cultural messages that have led to such deep shame or fear.
Avoid pressuring your partner to open up or disclose more than they are comfortable with, and set the tone that you’re there to explore with them at their pace.
Partners can also offer to learn together – reaching books, sharing articles, listening to podcasts, or going to workshops together to spark excitement, deepen knowledge, and foster more open communication.
These resources and experiences can open the door for shy partners to communicate, and provide partners with more resources to openly express themselves.
If couples continue to struggle with opening up about sex, they may want to consider couples therapy or sex coaching.
A professional can provide guidance and facilitate communication in a safe and supportive environment, and help to illuminate underlying patterns, beliefs, or communication challenges that are impacting the relationship, which are often difficult to see when we are embedded in the connection.
Arya: You’re one of our Arya Experts. How would you recommend people go about talking about Arya to their partners who might be a bit hesitant?
Lorrae Bradbury: Arya is a very approachable, expertly guided way to enhance intimacy, especially for couples who may be shy or need a little inspiration and spark to get their play-purring.
I love that Arya creates Scenes for each couple based on their private preferences so that couples can let go of the guesswork and be taken on an intimate, personalized journey.
When proposing Arya to your partner, start with curiosity and the desire to connect. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and unrushed, and express your desire to deepen your intimacy and invite a new spark into your sex life.
Let your partner know that you want to know their desires, ask open-ended questions, and listen actively to their responses. If one or both of you is feeling shy, Arya is a great way to break the ice, as you can each answer privately to be guided on an erotic adventure together.
Whenever we try something new, we might feel hesitant or nervous. Reassure your partner that their feelings and comfort are important to you, and invite them to express any concerns or questions they may have.
You can explore Arya’s platform together or attend a free workshop to spark playful ideas before diving in, or you can agree to each explore the questions to set your first Scene, with no pressure to explore the Scene itself until you’re comfortable!
Open communication and empowering our sexual expression is a continual process — unfolding as we learn more about our partners, ourselves, and the synergy we create in connection.
Allow it time to unfold as you unlock and explore your eroticism, together!
About The Expert
Lorrae Bradbury is a sex, love, and erotic empowerment coach whose sex-positive work helps the erotically curious to overcome shame, explore desire, and navigate kink, poly, and queer identities.
After founding Slutty Girl Problems in 2011 to destigmatize sexuality and reclaim “slut” as an empowering term, she now focuses her efforts on supporting the erotically curious with virtual workshops and content to embrace pleasure and adventure and pull shame and old paradigms to live full, authentic, and free.
Her work has been featured in USA Today, Rolling Stone, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, VICE, Men’s Health, and many more. Sensual seekers can dive deeper with Lorrae’s podcast, The Pleasure Provocateur, and work with Lorrae via 1:1 coaching and her virtual course, Subvert Your Subconscious.
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