Navigating Delicate Waters: How to Have Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship
This article was written for Arya by Niki Davis-Fainbloom
Niki Davis-Fainbloom is a New York–based sex educator, researcher, coach, and Arya In-House Expert. Her work uses up-to-date research, humor, and practical advice to assist people in developing the skills needed for healthier and more satisfying relationships.
For me, having difficult relationship talks used to always emerge at the most unlikely moments – like when my partner and I are wrestling with grocery bags in a rainstorm, and I suddenly blurt out my desire for an open relationship, while water is dripping off our noses. Or just a mere five minutes before meeting my partner's parents for the first time, when I decided it was the ideal moment to mention my struggle in dealing with our libido differences.
Although you can’t avoid having harder conversations in relationships, approaching these discussions thoughtfully can undoubtedly make them go more smoothly.
Contrary to the fairytales spun by movies, where flawless sexual relationships seem to effortlessly unfold, creating a satisfying sex life involves effort, compromise, and those challenging conversations we'd rather avoid. When desires don't align or certain aspects aren't clicking, we tend to internalize the issue, believing it reflects on us or the relationship as a whole. Consequently, we hold onto these harder topics, letting them simmer until they erupt at the most inopportune moments.
Research shows that engaging in open conversations between partners about sex leads to better and more pleasurable relationships, so let’s go through some tips on how to create the environment for conversations to go as smoothly as possible.
Be Clear on your Thoughts
Think about what you want.
If your partner is open to it, what type of open relationship do you envision yourself having - do you want the freedom to have an occasional random sexual encounter or are you looking to explore full-on other relationships?
If there's a libido difference that you and your partner are dealing with, yes it’s important to talk about, but perhaps come to the table with some ideas regarding how to combat this. It’s not necessary to have a clear solution to the issue, but spend the time analyzing your thoughts so you can coherently explain how you have been feeling about the issue and perhaps what can be done about it.
Ask for a Container
If there is a harder conversation that needs to happen with your partner, instead of randomly dumping it on them, ask your partner when a good time to chat is. This can be as simple as saying: “Hey Babe, I want to talk to you about something related to our sex life. When would be a good time?"
Or depending on the topic you can make it more specific: “I know when we have conversations about (*insert emotionally charged topic*) we often end up fighting, I’d love for us to pick a time to try to have a more productive conversation about this topic.”
Psychotherapist Rachel Wright discusses containers as creating a space where both parties enter with a clear intention, topic, and agreement on what to discuss. As a Sex Coach, I’ve seen that something as simple as intentionally creating a space to explore these conversations can make a huge difference in how the conversations go.
“If you bring it up like you are a team trying to solve an issue together instead of a person who needs their partner to change - you’re more likely to make your partner feel compassion for your experience and they are not going to come in with their guns blazing. ”
Be Vulnerable
The way you start a difficult conversation is hugely predictive of how it will end.
Indeed, marriage counselor John Gottman is able to predict how likely couples are to break up based on how they deal with three minutes of conflict. A great way to begin a conversation is to label what you are coming in with.
For example, “I know that being raised in a religious household has led me with some sexual blocks that may make me less open to sexual exploration. I’m sorry if that has ever made you feel shame for any of your sexual desires.” Or, “I know that the new medication has messed with my libido - I know it must be hard not having as much sex as we used to have.”
If you bring it up like you are a team trying to solve an issue together instead of a person who needs their partner to change - you’re more likely to make your partner feel compassion for your experience and they are not going to come in with their guns blazing.
Give them a Beat
You may have been thinking about this topic for months so you may feel eager to reach some kind of resolution. However, you have to remember that this may be the first time your partner is thinking about this topic, so they may need a beat to process what you’ve just shared.
I recommend sharing your piece, and if you are asking them for something, let them know that they can take as long as they need to think about it. You can mention that if they make you wait a year your head may explode, but taking a couple of days to process a new idea is totally reasonable.
Whether you're discussing desires, differences, or dreams, know that you are capable of navigating the delicate waters of challenging conversations in your relationship.
Spend some time thinking about what it may like to be in your partner's shoes, and more importantly, their brain. Then, with careful communication, a sprinkle of vulnerability, and a dash of patience, you can sail through even the stormiest discussions and come out stronger on the other side.
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