How BDSM Can Teach You To Have Better Sex, Even if You’re Not Kinky With Kaylee Rose Friedman
This article was written for Arya by Kaylee Rose Friedman.
Kaylee Rose Friedman is an MSTI Certified Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert living and teaching in Los Angeles, CA. Her work involves supporting people in designing unique relationships that work for the individuals in them.
When you think of BDSM, what do you think of? A senator getting whipped in an exclusive NYC dungeon? A scene from 50 Shades of Grey (don’t get me started!)?
BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism) is often stigmatized as taboo, unhealthy, or based in trauma, but research shows us that people who practice BDSM are just as psychologically healthy as their “vanilla” or non-kinky counterparts, and actually report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
BDSM is not just about specific sexual acts but can be a tool that encompasses playful exploration, healthy communication, and self-reflection. It can encourage attunement and self-care, and it’s more common than you might think!
After surveying 6,000 individuals in relationships for the State of Intimacy Report, Arya found that people are most interested in three things – making sex more adventurous, extending foreplay, and exploring each other’s kinks!
Healthy BDSM play is based in ritual, protocol, building trust and safety through effective communication, and is steeped in the ethos of exploration & expansion. When you intentionally play with power in relationships, the practice can serve to build intimacy and healthy communication.
We can learn a lot from these types of relationships when it comes to prioritizing connection, navigating conflict in a productive way, and developing communication skills that create a healthy foundation for any relationship.
Communication
Because BDSM can include higher risk activities (think bondage, impact play, and emotional/psychological components), effective communication is crucial. You cannot safely practice BDSM with a “let’s just see what happens” kind of attitude. Desires, boundaries, and fantasies must be communicated openly and honestly.
BDSM teaches us:
Consent & Negotiation: When we practice BDSM we call it ‘play.’ We assume roles like giver/receiver and leader/follower, and just like in other games, we need to establish the ground rules so that everyone can stay safe and have a good time. BDSM players are well-versed in negotiation conversations, or discussing likes, limits, intentions, and boundaries before a ‘scene.’ We can adopt this approach in non-kinky sex as well by going through a negotiation check-in before having sex. My free Art of Negotiation guide can help you get started with ease.
Attunement: Communication is not just verbal! Successful communication includes paying attention to and understanding body language, guessing what state your partner’s nervous system is in (fight/flight mode, for example), understanding what underlying meaning your partner may be making of a given situation, and being curious about what may not be said explicitly. BDSM players are adept at attunement, because oftentimes the roles we are playing or the positions we’re in (gagged or bound, for example) preclude verbal communication, and attunement becomes a vital skill!
Active Listening Skills: Active listening is not just about hearing the words your partner is saying, it’s about deep, mindful presence. We are often listening to respond, rather than listening to understand. BDSM can become dangerous if we are not actively listening to our partner, as we may misunderstand an important limit or boundary. Learning mindfulness skills, and developing the ability to pay attention on purpose without judging, is vital when it comes to communicating.
Self-Discovery
Often, our relationship to our sexuality is steeped in shame.
We disconnect sex from the rest of our lives, thinking of it as a siloed event that we largely engage in without consciousness, self-awareness, or mindful attention.
When we bring consciousness to kink practices, we can use them to grow, explore our inner-worlds, deepen intimacy, play, explore fantasy and desire, and even heal.
Clarify desires & boundaries: How can you ask for what you want or protect your limits if you don’t know what they are? Exploring new sexual interests with a trusted partner can help you understand yourself more deeply. We often don’t know what we like or what our limits are until we come across an experience that shows us something new about ourselves. BDSM is all about trying new things, mindfully observing your own response, and then choosing accordingly. It can teach us how to ask for what we want and draw boundaries around what we don’t.
Explore play and fantasy: How do you want to feel during sex? This is not a question we ask ourselves often in the non-kinky world. Do you want to feel desired? Observed? Ravished? Helpless? Powerful? When we explore our fantasies and the emotions we’re hoping to experience underneath them, our sex lives become richer and more full.
Deepen mindful self-awareness: We can’t understand anything about ourselves or our needs, preferences, or boundaries unless we can observe what is going on inside of us. Every experience you have is simply made up of three things — your thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions. Learn to bring mindful, non-judgmental awareness to those aspects of your experience, and you’ll discover a whole new level of self-understanding.
Relationship Design
When we’re upfront about who we are and what we want, we protect ourselves and other people from getting attached to someone who will end up being a mismatch in the long run.
Conventional dating advice that tells us not to talk about “too serious” topics upfront is just manipulation tactics disguised as wisdom. Talk about it all on the first date!
Get off the Relationship Escalator: There is a relational “order of operations” made popular by our Western traditions and media. We have fetishized the ‘couple’ so much that it seems subconsciously like the only valid option, and there is a ‘right’ way to do it! Date, become exclusive, move in, get married, have babies, etc. Most follow this social script without thinking twice. The BDSM community teaches us that we can use negotiation for relationship style as well and that there are plenty of ways to be in relationships, from being monogamish to swinging to polyamory. Beyond open relationships, there are a million different ways to do monogamous relationships as well. BDSM can teach us how to have deeper conversations with our loved ones about our needs in this area too.
Ready to have great sex?
Sign up for Arya today.
About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
