“If You’re In A Couple, You’re Already In A Threesome” with Ally Iseman
This blog post for Arya was written by Ally Iseman.
Ally Iseman is a relationship coach and writer based in Los Angeles who has been featured in The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, and Yahoo!, among others. She’s passionate about helping busy couples on the brink build bulletproof relationships that last.
“When two become one” is a common way to describe romantic relationships, at least in Disney movies and romcoms. But it’s actually more accurate to say “when two become three.” And I’m not talking about soft pregnancy launches on Instagram.
In any relationship, which is an agreement structure between two people, there are actually three parties: you, your partner, and the relationship. And each of those individual entities deserves just as much attention and effort as the other.
In one fell swoop, the idea that “two become one” robs us of our individuality and, in essence, erases our needs, desires, and boundaries. Our relationship isn’t a vat of denial into which we both disappear. It’s an agreement structure we create together to support those respective needs, desires, and boundaries as they grow and change over time. Disney movies and romcoms generally end at the beginning of the relationship. So what does it take to create a real Happily Ever After?
“Expanding your capacity to sit in your discomfort will improve every aspect of your life from love to health, work to family.”
The Problem Modern Relationships Face
If you pay attention to the news or are literally ever online, it’s pretty clear we live in a dramatically polarized world. How we relate is how we relate at any scale. Our world is divided because our relationships are divided.
So many couples are adversaries in their own homes, pitted against each other in a battle no one wins. The tit-for-tat, 50-50 mentality of “What have you done for me lately,” “You’re not satisfying my needs,” “You’re too much,” “You’re not enough,” is what is created by the false binary of “you vs. me.”
When a relationship is seen as a place where two people merge, so much gets ignored. It might be easier to sweep uncomfortable things under the proverbial rug of assumption, at least at first, but boy, will that turn into a monster under the bed down the line!
Have you ever experienced anything important in your life getting better by ignoring it? I don’t know about you, but earlier in life, that “strategy” landed me in the ER on more than one occasion. Emotional wounds and relational discomforts are the same. If we don’t want to end up in the Relationship ER seemingly out of nowhere, then catching things before they develop into something untreatable is key.
The only way to do that is to create our relationship as a safe container within which we can practice radical honesty and acceptance.
What Does a “Safe Container” Mean?
To transform our relationships into safe containers, we require two things: radical honesty and authenticity. Radical honesty involves being completely transparent about your thoughts and feelings, while authenticity is about staying true to who you are and your values in all of your relationships.
Imagine you want to talk to your partner about potentially opening up your relationship, and you realize everything that’s on the line. Status quo assumption culture would have you ignore that until it festers into resentment, causing you to end the relationship unnecessarily or act out of integrity.
Radical honesty with authenticity would be saying, “I’m curious to explore consensual non-monogamy with you, and I’m also really nervous about what that might mean and scared about what might happen.” We need both for true intimacy to thrive.
The National Institute for Health (NIH) states, “Relationship quality depends on beliefs about a relationship partner’s responsiveness–that is, on the perception that a partner understands, values, and supports important aspects of the self.” The only way they can do that is if we know and can authentically share those aspects of ourselves.
What We Can Learn From Consensual Non-Monogamy
According to Psychology Today, “Individuals in non-monogamous relationships experience greater satisfaction and commitment than their monogamous counterparts – boasting better communication, and more openness and need fulfillment than conventional relationships.”
As much as we’d love to think that defining our relationship with a label – whether it’s “‘married,”’ “‘exclusive,”’ or even “‘ situationship,”’ – the security of our relationship is actually defined not by the label we give it but by the repeated experiences of the relationship itself. Security and trust are built through consistent reliability over time, not by giving something a name.
Following are some of the important things we can all learn from consensual non-monogamy to help create our relationship as a safe container in which to play and grow:
We have to be able to fuck up! Mistakes are the way we learn.
Feeling uncomfortable is not the same thing as feeling unsafe.
Repeating the same mistakes over and over despite talking about it is a pattern. That’s a behavioral issue that needs to be addressed as it can cause a lack of safety.
Boundaries are not walls. They are the edges of our comfort zone, designed to be consensually pushed within the container of a safe relationship so that we can grow.
Leading with questions and being curious frames the conversation about our relationship as an invitation rather than a threat.
Expanding your capacity to sit in your discomfort will improve every aspect of your life from love to health, work to family.
“Have you ever experienced anything important in your life getting better by ignoring it?”
How To Create a “Safe Container” Relationship
Arya’s inaugural State of the Intimacy Report sampled over 6,000 recent users in different-gender relationships about the state of intimacy and sex in their relationships. The top three desires were:
Making sex more adventurous
Learning each other’s kinks and sexual desires
Extending and experimenting with foreplay
Our relationship has to be a safe container in order for us to have safe adventures, learn about each other, and experiment. But what does that even mean? It means we have to be able to get messy and keep moving forward.
Here are 5 practical things you can do to cultivate your relationship as a safe container.
Create a Shared Language
Break down the Compound Meanings in your life and relationship and Define Terms for yourself and then together. That way, you can speak the same language and understand each other when you’re not.
The biggest and most common Compound Meaning I see couples experience is around these three terms: Love, Sex, and Commitment. Those are actually not synonyms. Build a shared definition of these and other important terms in your relationship so you have a shared language.
Do Weekly Check-In
Set aside time each week to talk openly and non-confrontationally about your feelings, any concerns, and positive aspects of the relationship. Use “I” statements about your experience rather than accusatory language. This regular practice can help prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your connection.
Choose Gratitude
Incorporate gratitude into your routine by regularly acknowledging and appreciating each other’s efforts. A simple exercise is to share one thing you’re grateful for about your partner each day. Remember, them being with you is a daily decision. Acknowledge that and show you appreciate them making that choice.
Embrace Vulnerability
Practice vulnerability by sharing your fears and insecurities with your partner and owning your mistakes. Start with small, manageable disclosures and gradually build up to more significant conversations. This practice can deepen your emotional intimacy and trust.
Try the Three-Part Apology to create repair for a more significant impact:
Name It: Describe what happened and acknowledge your involvement in its causation.
Claim It: Own the impact your actions had on those affected by what happened (the person/people to whom you’re apologizing).
Reframe It: State clearly new actions that you’re going to take or ones that you’re going to stop to prevent this from happening again.
Make Jealousy Your BFF
In CNM, partners often work through feelings of jealousy by discussing them openly and honestly as they arise rather than letting them fester. There’s nothing wrong with the green-eyed monster coming to visit. It’s more important how you deal with it.
It might seem counterintuitive, but having a safe relationship means feeling uncomfortable. Pushing boundaries and making mistakes is uncomfortable.
There are few things more intimate than getting safely uncomfortable together. Uncomfortable means you’re growing. And what’s sexier than that?
Bottom Line
Whether you choose to open up your relationship to include other people or you just want to open up more authentically to each other, you can use inclusive relationship dynamics to open up without blowing up. If we all have better relationships that last longer, we’ll have a better world that lasts longer. Let’s break out of default mode and build better relationships by design!
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About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
